Why Don't I Have The Strength?

Hi, I'm a 15 year old girl. I want to tell a story ... my story. Maybe you can imagine what problems a girl at this age can have ... From childhood I only remember how my father just screamed and pushed chairs and attacked my mother. And my mother is such an amazing person! She is kind and always ready for anything for me and my sister, even if she sacrifices her life. She lives only for us. When I was in kindergarten or first grade (I don't remember exactly) my mother and father went to France to work, then my father came back and my mother went to Spain. He works there for 9 months and in the summer he is here in Bulgaria. My parents are not divorced and when my mother is gone (and when she is here) I live with my father, when she comes back he just screams and screams, and she tries not to make him angry, for our good ... because he knows what we've both been through. Recently, for the first time I shouted at my father ... until now I did not have the courage to do so, he got angry and left my room, and then I slammed the door after him and he came before I could lock and how to I explained it, I was behind the door and he deliberately pushed her about 3-4 times, knowing that I was there ... and then he shouted at me and started telling me that I would not get anywhere with this mind, etc. .. Half the time he is gone, but he is with his mistress and her child ... My grandmother takes care of me. I'm not sociable, it's hard for a person to reach me, I don't reveal myself because I'm afraid of being hurt ... But I'm very strong, very strong, I always deal with difficulties ... I learned from a very young age ... I make decisions and manage my life, I know how to protect myself. There's a girl at school, which is really like those girls from the movies (those girls who hate someone in this case me and of course are famous), but for now there was only one small problem ... so it is from 1st grade to 5th and now again from the 9th to the 12th, what "luck" only, right I kind of live alone, and sometimes I'm very lonely, but like I said, I'm too strong to collapse! I am happy to have such an amazing mother who works abroad just so that my sister and I can have something to eat and not deprive ourselves of anything (because my father is not interested in anything, we are not interested in him). My sister is 21 and a student. So you must be wondering why the title is like that after I said I was very strong ... For the simple reason that I've always been strong, but now I'm not ... My sister is sick, I don't want to say why, it's not a deadly disease, but it's very painful and difficult to treat ... and now something else has appeared that the doctors can't understand ... My mother came home from abroad to be with my sister ... but I I can not. Maybe you'll think what a sister I am ... and I wonder. But for some reason it is very difficult for me to be next to her, to look at her sick ... I almost always feel sick at school in biology class or when someone talks about diseases. Two days ago they were at home (in my hometown) with my mother, now they are in the city where my sister studies and so when she was here she was constantly crying ... she didn't stop, she shouted, we tried not to leave her alone because she repeated that her life is over, she can't stand it anymore, she wants to die ... I was by her side, but when she wasn't crying and I was trying to cheer her up ... but I wasn't talking about the disease. They went to the city, where my sister studies and lives and I could go with them until January 6 and go back to school, but I didn't want to ... because it's very difficult for me, I don't know how to help her ... no, no I know, but I just can't. She knows me very well and she knows that I am such a person, she knows him very well. But before he left ... he hugged me so tight and we stood like that for a long time ... then we sat on the couch and she said to me with tears in her eyes, "I must see you for the last time." "If something goes wrong I want you to be happy ! And I love you very much! "Then I hugged her tightly and told her that I loved her, and the tears just flowed ... then my mother and I hugged and cried and I thought why are we doing this, my sister will fixed ... then she started going down the stairs and waving at me ... since then these two moments have not left my head ... It's very hard for me, I have no one to share what's happening to me ... last night I got very sick and I barely got out of bed to take a pill, and today I'm struggling to distract myself, but these moments just pop up ... I have a best friend ... but how to say, she is currently obsessed with her love. She knows about my sister's condition and she knows when she left, but she still didn't contact me ... school will start soon, I have classes, and I can't think of anything ... Honestly, I don't know either what I want by writing my story ... maybe I just want to share with someone ... I don't know ... and maybe you'll criticize me for being such a sister, but I experienced a lot as a child and that's not an excuse I know, in I am stronger than anyone in any way, but why am I not in this too? Even when I just stand there I see her desperate look and the words she says to me ... There will probably be people who will criticize me, but let there be people who have been through this ... because no one who has not experienced it he can't understand what it is. It's hard enough for me ... I don't know why I do it, since I'm a person who never runs away from problems, I never run away from difficulties ... I admit I'm scared ... and probably you understand from what, because I just don't want to write it ... Maybe I just need someone to tell me that everything will be fine ...