Why Am I So Pessimistic?

The Story

Hello! I don't know why I decided to write here - to pour out everything I have gathered, or to ask you for advice. I don't know, but I will still write what bothers me. Lately I think very negatively, negatively about everything. I always imagine that the worst is happening to me and how nothing happens to me. In general, I was not like that - even the few people with whom I communicate more often would say that I am very funny and cheerful, but this is just a mask that I put on in front of them. I don't feel that way inside. Maybe it all started at the end of 2018, when my grandmother died. I'm not in the mood for anything or anyone. I am forever blown away and distracted. I said to myself that in the beginning of 2019 things will change, but alas ... Here, next Wednesday I will turn 18, and I'm not even in the mood to celebrate my birthday, but this is not something new, because I have never been and celebrated it. I haven't worked so far, and I want to start this year, but ... I'm not even sure I can find a job. I always imagine how they don't take me, how I expose myself, how they will make fun of me, how I will never find a job and I will die of hunger and similar thoughts, so I don't even know what is required for the first time. The truth is that I do not have a gram of self-confidence, I can never communicate with strangers, I am shy, shy and meeting new people is really difficult for me. These thoughts of mine drive me crazy. I don't know where I'm going to get her. I have almost no relatives, my friends (thank God I have some, though few) are my only hope. I am about to graduate next year, I have to decide which university I will study at, but here I am again starting to think that my dreams will not come true, that I will not be able to support myself and I will not study. I also imagine that I will be left alone, sad and ... It is difficult to explain. The more I think, the more I wonder why I live at all. Sometimes I think that if I hadn't been born, it would have been better. If I had the courage, I would get out of this world in some way, from a place where hypocrisy and simplicity are revered. I don't even trust myself sometimes, and what's left for people? It would be very difficult for a person to get to know me and accept him as a "friend" - a word I do not use often. I'm not sociable, I'm not used to being the center of attention, let alone making conversations. I am terrible. I don't see my place in the world, as if I shouldn't have been born. It may sound awful from the side, but it's true. I don't believe in myself and I don't expect that something good could happen to me. Even I find it difficult to live with these traits of my character. Someone here would tell me that it's good to visit a psychologist, but believe me, I went, and nothing ... Tell me - how can I get out of these thoughts of mine and change, if at all possible? !!

Last Updated
August 03, 2020
Author:
harrykinkyslutt

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