Where Does This Disgust Come From?

Hello, I am a 20-year-old girl and my problem is that so far I have experienced only disgust with men. I will try to tell you briefly my story and my experience, as I find many reasons why I have such unpleasant emotions after each meeting. In general, when I was in my teens 14-15, like every young person, I was also interested in "different" people - gays, lesbians, people dealing with illegal or atypical things, online dating platforms and all sorts of things. such things. Well, then I spent 90% of my time looking at profiles of different guys / men on gay sites, and of course there I looked mainly at pornography, and to a high degree, I also loved making new acquaintances on heterosexual dating sites, and I often wrote to many people at the same time. I was interested in psychology, my life was interesting and I looked at each new person as a material for analysis and deep conversations about life, dreams, love. Although I often denied it, I secretly hoped to meet the love of my life by chance and experience a tumultuous teenage love. I also went out on a lot of dates, both with homosexuals and with normal boys. Now is the time to add that I have not gone out to more than 14-15 live meetings with people from the Internet, which may be a lot and which I regret, but then it was interesting and unfortunately, I can not go back in time . I made friends with some of the homosexuals that I keep to this day, but that's not the case with hetero boys. I went out with maybe only 2-3 guys on live dates, but I wrote a lot. With some we stayed in the chat for months before we got into a blockade, and with others our "relationship" could not survive for several hours. I have communicated both with hellishly intelligent people, from whom you can take and learn a lot, and with extremely empty and irritating individuals, who I do not know why I was trying to understand then! However, I had a meeting, which turned out to be detrimental to my psyche! My acquaintance with the man in question was on the site again, we wrote to each other for about a week and I definitely saw a good attitude from the person in question towards me! Then I was about 15-16 years old, and he was 26. We saw each other after a week and a few chats and on the first date I seemed to like it. We talked a hell of a lot about life, about family, about everything!

Topics which then interested me and to which I had devoted myself. In one week we saw the boy in question about 3 times, and with each meeting I remained more and more disgusted with him, for no apparent reason. It seemed to me then that he was not dressed very well, at one of our meetings he came, to put it mildly, like a tramp, after I had been waiting for him in the cold for 3 hours, just to see him after work, and he had not shown and minimal effort to translate into a decent look. At the time, these things didn't matter much to me. I relied on real feelings, the inner beauty of a person and things like that, but I couldn't ignore someone's appearance at least to the point that when I liked that person, I saw some effort to look good. On my third and final meeting with this boy, I returned hellishly exhausted, again for no particular reason. He was kind, funny, he showed me that he liked me and ignored everyone else for me, but after this meeting I realized that something was wrong with me. I honestly told him that I no longer wanted to write or see each other, because I have unresolved problems in myself, I am confused and these meetings and chats do not reflect well on me.

Then he exploded and began to feel sorry for himself. At that moment, for the first time, I was so disgusted by someone who showed such obvious self-pity. For many years after this meeting, I was constantly under pressure not to spot him, every car looked like his and I didn't want to hear about boys, meetings and things like that. I don't know why this man disgusted me so much, as I said, he wasn't some rude and idiot, but he was definitely far from the image of a neat, intelligent young man. He still lived with Mom and Dad, he was constantly looking for pity and approval, and I looked much more mature and earthy than he did at the time. Basically, I have a very low self-esteem, but if you read my story, you might think of me as an arrogant and stupid muffin who doesn't know what he wants. I will agree that I really don't know what I want and how I feel sometimes. Years have passed since this incident, I met a lot of people (outside the Internet), but nothing interesting. At one point, my low self-esteem began to plummet: I don't care, I deserve something better than what I've gotten so far. Many things have happened, I have changed in many aspects, but I dare say that despite my thousands of sick complexes and confused thinking (at times) I still have the ability to analyze myself and I know well what my negatives and positives are, what I need to change and what to develop. I grew up, as I already mentioned, I am now 20 and a different stage in my life has come, but not in the aspect of dating. I recently met a man, I will not say how, but it happened on the street. Then I liked him a lot, we started writing, talking and a week later we saw each other again.

So guess what happened? !! Same story as years ago. Again, I was disgusted by the man in question and by myself for allowing myself to date such a person. Don't get me wrong, these men are not total sediments, but my mind accepts them in some other way and makes me remain terribly negative, both to them and to myself. I don't know if it is, because over time, thanks to my thinking, the influence of social media and things like that, I built an image of what the perfect man should look like. Rich, very rich, with a nice luxury car, with an exceptional profession, a beautifully tight and muscular body, and the woman next to him to be ... Barbie. I know that thanks to these images in my head I am complex, because I neither look like that, nor do I think that there is a way to be liked by such a man. Aggression kills me because the thought "Why do you compromise with your criteria for a man just because someone smiled at you or paid little attention to you" reappears and finally, in the last 5 years, all my meetings with men (which were no more than 5-6 meetings) ended either with a complete mockery of me, my time and feelings or with aversion to the man against me!

I have no explanation for where this disgust comes from, but it definitely feels awful. It's a feeling which strikes and hurts only myself, because I am disgusted by myself that I have almost allowed myself to go out with someone who was once again not what I want to be. At first, everyone seems nice and kind to me, but after the first meeting, the only thing I feel is what I've talked about so far. I don't know why this happens, but I know that these are feelings and emotions that have been raging in me sometimes for years and I can't control them. After every meeting I am disgusted, disgusted, angry with myself, just terrified for no particular reason. I already think that I can be a lesbian or something like that ... Give me advice, what is the reason for me to always get such emotions? !! So far no one was attracted to me, or at least not after the first meeting, as I said at the beginning, I always say to myself, “Oh, what a handsome man ”and in the next moment it is no longer of any interest to me, or worse ... Am I a lesbian - I don't know, but I'm 200% convinced that I'm asexual, because against the background of all this, a word about sex, kisses and things like that can't happen at all. I'm disgusted by a hug and any such touch, and what's left for sex and kisses. I'm so damn confused, my story has become terribly chaotic and I can't find a place. I don't know what the problem is and where? !! You will say that I remove these images of the perfect man and the perfect woman from my head, but it is not so easy, because for me these things are like a goal.

The goal is for me to look like that in time and to have such a person next to me. I know I shouldn't, but I can't control these thoughts, so I'm looking for help here ... Am I a lesbian - I don't know, but I'm 200% convinced that I'm asexual, because against the background of all this, a word about sex, kisses and things like that can't happen at all. I'm disgusted by a hug and any such touch, and what's left for sex and kisses. I'm so damn confused, my story has become terribly chaotic and I can't find a place. I don't know what the problem is and where? !! You will say that I remove these images of the perfect man and the perfect woman from my head, but it is not so easy, because for me these things are like a goal. The goal is for me to look like that in time and to have such a person next to me. I know I shouldn't, but I can't control these thoughts, so I'm looking for help here ... Am I a lesbian - I do not know, but I am 200% convinced that I am asexual, because against the background of all this, a word about sex, kissing and such things can not happen at all. I'm disgusted by a hug and any such touch, and what's left for sex and kisses. I'm so damn confused, my story has become terribly chaotic and I can't find a place. I don't know what the problem is and where? !!

You will say that I remove these images of the perfect man and the perfect woman from my head, but it is not so easy, because for me these things are like a goal. The goal is for me to look like that in time and to have such a person next to me. I know I shouldn't, but I can't control these thoughts, so I'm looking for help here ... I'm disgusted by a hug and any such touch, and what's left for sex and kisses. I'm so damn confused, my story has become terribly chaotic and I can't find a place. I don't know what the problem is and where? !! You will say that I remove these images of the perfect man and the perfect woman from my head, but it is not so easy, because for me these things are like a goal. The goal is for me to look like that in time and to have such a person next to me. I know I shouldn't, but I can't control these thoughts, so I'm looking for help here ... I'm disgusted by a hug and any such touch, and what's left for sex and kisses. I'm so damn confused, my story has become terribly chaotic and I can't find a place. I don't know what the problem is and where? !!

You will say that I remove these images of the perfect man and the perfect woman from my head, but it is not so easy, because for me these things are like a goal. The goal is for me to look like that in time and to have such a person next to me. I know I shouldn't, but I can't control these thoughts, so I'm looking for help here ... because for me these things are like a goal. The goal is for me to look like that in time and to have such a person next to me. I know I shouldn't, but I can't control these thoughts, so I'm looking for help here ... because for me these things are like a goal. The goal is for me to look like that in time and to have such a person next to me. I know I shouldn't, but I can't control these thoughts, so I'm looking for help here ...