Vanity

I got up and walked to the board when the teacher called my name. I felt like I was going to the stake. I was in this class for two years and I didn't get close to anyone. In fact, everyone was making fun of me, looking for another opportunity to inflict another humiliation on me, they hated me, but I hated them too. I prayed every day that they would disappear from my life, but praying to God did not help. I was the object of universal merriment - the fat one. I walked across the line and stood in front of a clean whiteboard. The boy I liked for two years was already sitting in the first row. I looked at him as beautiful as ever, but he hadn't smiled mockingly at me before, he looked at me like I was a ghost. In philosophy classes, the lady usually made us talk about something or tell something about us. I had nothing to say, I didn't want anyone to know anything more than my name. I just wanted to be nobody. Being someone is complicated and burdensome. "Well," the teacher began, "what would you like to tell us about yourself?" Nothing, I thought, absolutely nothing. The class began to whisper behind me, I heard some say I had nothing to say. What could a virgin teenager tell them? What did they want to know about a fat woman? I decided to save myself the ridicule and said, "Ma'am, I don't think anyone would want me to be on the board." "It's a test." she said, as if that explained everything. It was clear that if I didn't say something I would have a couple. My palms sweated from the anxiety I felt. The taunts would begin again. Before I could say anything, a classmate asked me a question. - How did you lose so much weight? - after her another added - Do you perceive yourself as anorexic? I looked at my body and saw only my thick thighs. Apparently these two were drunk, I was fat and nothing could change that. Although I had eaten absolutely nothing for more than twenty days, and for the last few months I had been eating only one fruit a day. But it had no effect, I had not lost weight visibly or at least I did not notice it, the only thing I felt was fatigue and hunger, no satisfaction even from wearing smaller jeans. I would stay fat forever. Everyone started asking me some questions about my body, my eating habits. I felt terrible, I was nauseous. They mocked me, tears began to well up in my eyes. I didn't want to be in this room anymore. I went out and ran until I was out of breath. I turned around and saw that I had barely reached the end of the corridor, I felt tired, I was sleeping, I was hungry, I wanted to go to bed and sleep forever, I was dizzy. What was happening to me? I heard one of my classmates screaming that I would faint. I turned black and sank into darkness. I heard some voices, but what they said did not reach my consciousness, I could not make sense of their words. The only thing I understood was "how weak she is". I had no idea who had said it, but I smiled, or at least tried to. Maybe really after all the effort I had made there was a result. I opened my eyes and saw that my classmates had gathered around me. Apparently they cared at least a little about me. "How pale she is," said a girl. - This is at least look at how weak .. she looks like she's dying .. Am I dying? It wasn't possible. The pain tore my body apart. Or maybe I was really dying. What the hell happened that things went so wrong. Had I not gone too far with this obsession with the perfect body? Had I not crossed the border? Hadn't I reached a level where I didn't really see what I looked like? I raised my hand so I could see her. She looked so fragile, pale and bony. I couldn't see my body, but I knew it was. I was so obsessed, I didn't let anyone near me. Somehow all the vanity I had brought me to this state. I strained my eyes to see who was holding me and found that this was the boy I liked. I couldn't see his face clearly, but I knew he was a little worried. In the end, I achieved my goal. The pain intensified again and I shivered, at one point it was so strong, and then stopped. I felt like I was hovering, nothing could hurt me. So weightless. "She's dying," someone shouted hysterically. To die in the arms of the one I liked. I was definitely going for a romantic, such a boring life, and such a dramatic ending. I let the black pit swallow me. I was not sad, but completely indifferent. Death was somehow acceptable. The ordinary girl would be a top topic in the newspapers next week. Yes, everyone would know that an anorexic died at school. Or maybe I thought so. I wanted at least a few minutes of fame, but I wasn't destined. Only my bad luck was a companion, he was by my side during all my troubles. Yet the real cause of my failures was in me, pushing everyone away just because I didn't like myself. Dreaming of being weak, I lost myself. "In the end, it turned out that my life was a punishment ..." I whispered