Unsure Of Appearance And Weight

Girl, 16 years old 1. When I was in 7th grade, I started to feel shy about my body, even though I was always thin / of normal weight. Then I was 43 kg for 1.61 m. I stopped to have breakfast, lunch and dinner a little, but I stayed the same weight, but with the detail that I only missed breakfast on purpose; basically I ate a little. It wasn't as serious then (?) As it is now. In the summer after 7th grade, I started doing exercises to improve my shape, and now that I think about it, I would give anything to go back to that time. This was also the time when I started avoiding food more, lying about whether and how much I ate and counting calories. 2. 8th grade. Again 1, 61m. I went to study in another city, which gave me the opportunity to limit myself from food more easily. On Sunday evenings I went to the apartment, and on Friday afternoons I returned home. During the week, I usually skipped breakfast or ate something with no more than 200 calories. I counted the calories even harder and more accurately. I also missed lunch, but I could eat something in the afternoon and have dinner because I couldn't avoid it, with my friends. You could say I ate + -800 calories a day. However, when I got home, I couldn't help but make 2000-3000 calories a day. However, I slowly began to lose weight and my mother began to notice, but I always avoided her questions or told her she was lying. However, she made me get on the scales, which showed 42 kg. In the last months of 8th grade, I had reached 41 kg. It was spring / summer, but I was constantly cold, my nails were blue from the cold, I was pale, not energetic, I started to move away from friends and family, I hid to eat (sometimes in the toilet, which I'm not proud of at all), my heart skipped a beat and I suffocated, etc. I didn't feel happy, but I was happy only when I saw I would take something off. One day my mother decided to take me to the doctor for suffocation. There he mentioned that I had lost weight. BUT, the thing I will always remember is that the doctor compared himself to a girl who was also in the office, 24 years old, 164 cm, 47 kg, saying that I look bigger than her. It was a colder day, because of which (and not only because of the weather) I wore 2 tank tops, 1 T-shirt, a sweatshirt and I had swallowed 2.5 liters of water. The scales showed 43 kg.

Last month in 8th grade I had reached 39.4 kg. I was happy, but maybe not. I went on a sea trip from school, in a swimsuit, in front of so many classmates ... it's not storytelling. 3. The summer of 2015, after 8th grade. I couldn't stop eating. I ate 2500-3000 calories EVERY day for 2, 5 months. I could see that I was gaining weight and I wanted to skin myself, but this only led to even more food being ingested. September. At the annual pre-school check-ups I was 45 kg. That is, I had gained 6-7 kg. for 2, 5 months. 4. I am now in 9th grade and I am with the "wonderful" 45-46 kg. for 161 cm. I can't stop eating. Calories typically range from 800 to 3,500 calories. I realize that I have a problem, no matter how small. I was thinking of going to a psychologist, even my mother had booked an appointment and the psychologist was coming to visit me at home, but I was incredibly scared and somehow convinced her to cancel the appointment. If I get any help, it will prevent me from reaching my goal. I'm confused. I don't expect to get help here. I just wanted to share my "story" here, because I have no one to share it with. Thanks for reading.