To Carry Another's Cross

The Story

Hello, my story is long. It all started 20 years ago. My brother, who is 4 years older than me, is still 12-13 years old. At the age of 14, he was already given a suspended sentence for drug possession. Quarrels, quarrels, running away from home, searching in the cold winter nights in the footsteps of his 10-year-old self and mom crying in the streets .... To thank him for the life given to him by his mother, he started beating her to give him money. We are a poor family, Dad worked as a security guard in a company and often replaced his colleagues. The fighting continued until at one point Mom's hand was blue and swollen and she could no longer hide it from Dad (so as not to bother him). The same day, my father died of a heart attack in my arms. My brother came home while my mom and I tried to revive him. He asked, "What are you doing to him" Mom told him Dad had died. My brother just laughed and went to the kitchen for dinner (he didn't come to his funeral, nor has he ever stepped on his grave). I don't want to describe the shock and horror of a 14-year-old girl .... Mom is retired due to illness - she can hardly see. She started working in a kindergarten as a cook at night. Whatever he earned, salary, pension, my father's pension, everything was stolen from my dear brother. Days, months of hunger (literally), harassment, threats, police, district, complaints ... I started working, here and there in the cafes, to study. I grew up fast and imperceptibly became the ladder at home. I became a protector of my own son's mother. No matter how hard I tried to be good, he ruined it. Years of stress, threats, fighting, theft, extortion by my brother for his empty drug. Living on the edge of poverty. Elapsed time no childhood, no peace, no normal life for a growing girl. Here I am now, 32 years old, studying my third high school with a beautiful child a year and a half old and the same hell as years ago. My brother is already 37 years old, all his life not knowing what a job is, what a normal life is. He once again stole all the gold from my child (gifts for baptism, birthday ...) We couldn't manage with the money, when could we? He had overdosed on heroin last summer and was in a coma. Shock for mom who found it. Let's take out a loan again to pay his insurance One week was good. And the seventh day-bam shaken and drunk. This summer, however, the drop spilled over. On June 2, 2017, I noticed how the little one was watching something in the bathroom, and what was wrong with my brother. I went wild, screamed and forced him out. I kicked him out! I don't know how but I kicked him out! Two months of telephone threats of murder (we were used to that) and suicide followed. And two months later he settled in our yard as a tramp. Neither I nor my mother want us to let him inside the house. The end! Just the End! During all these years of harassment, after all the methods to help him (absolutely everything that can be done), we ran out. Neither I nor my mother want to carry his cross anymore !!! When I talk to him, the only thing I hear is "I want to shake, what am I doing to you?" He has been in our yard since September, lying and sleeping on the ground. My mother and I cry all night, hugging softly in the living room. In the morning, the tears do not stop either. But I'm already wondering why I'm crying. For my unfulfilled dreams, for my past years in which I have not seen daylight, for my brother, for the shame that burns me from within, for the deep and inconsolable pain of my mother? I do not know. I can't sleep from nightmares in which I dream that my brother is killing my mother and I can't save her. I don't want to sleep alone, how come? I'm lying warm and he's out in the cold! I don't eat anymore, how hungry my brother is! I walk like a zombie. I can't study anymore, and I'm in my senior year. I can't work, I don't have the strength and desire for anything. My child's father helps me, we work together, he pays for courses, he trains me himself. When I'm with my husband, I can't sleep, I worry about my mother and the child sometimes stays with her (the little one acts as a medicine, as a living force for life). I'm afraid I'm ruining my new family. I'm constantly on the phone, I'm terrified if my phone rings at a later time and until I see which e-heart stops. After my brother's recent outbursts, which are described as breaking in, breaking windows, crashing my mother and a stolen laptop, I filed a lawsuit. Well, a month later, I issued a restraining order. Miraculously, my brother was obviously tired of lying in the open and went coldly to the commune. Hallelujah !!! A moment of happiness, a moment of hope, a moment of tired, sad smile on our faces. Until today, when the police called me that he was out again. I went home immediately and found him in my backyard. I asked him "why did he come" and he replied "it's not for me there, I want to hang out and live in freedom, I just need shelter" I was speechless, as if I heard this for the first time. I told him to go where he wanted and that I would call the police. He came out cursing me and threatening to kill me. Now what. He chose his way of life outside. My mother is broken, broken and barely alive. I continue to wear the cross that is not mine. A closed circle of despair, fear, weakness. My poor child, I will not be able to give him the mother he deserves, because I am no longer human. Punished, but I don't know with what? .

Last Updated
November 06, 2020
Author:
allmodern

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