The Pathetic Picture I Became ... I Want To Die!

Hello!

I will tell you about my problem because lately I really realized that I got lost somewhere along the way ...

Let me start by saying that I am a man in his early thirties, well educated, hardworking, and desperate. My problem is that absolutely nothing in life makes me happy anymore.

Let's start over. Usually, people who are not doing well in their personal and professional lives fill these gaps with something else. Some do art, others go fishing, others play sports and so on. In recent years, my interest in various things that once excited me has begun to fade.

In the meantime, I enjoyed the little things, like going home, making a nice dinner, watching a good movie, or just taking a walk in nature. These things gradually began to matter to me.

Let me start with my personal life. I have no friends. None, if you will believe! I have a limited circle of acquaintances who have recently realized that they only looked for me when they needed a favor. In fact, I had friends as a child. They were small but real!

I don't have a girlfriend either. I've never had one, which is the scariest thing. Until a few years ago, my hair stood on end when I remembered that I hadn't had a boyfriend at that age, but now I don't even care.

A few years ago, I dreamed of having a family because I watched my peers who were out with their wives, with their children ... I wanted to be like them. I really wanted to find a girl with whom to build a serious relationship, but for a number of reasons, mostly in action on my part has not happened to this day. I thought I was older, but something broke me and I stopped dreaming.

What's happening right now. I have already said: I stopped dreaming about the things I wanted. I don't care that I will die alone, without a generation, without friends. I stopped looking at girls my age as potential sexual objects. I stopped being interested in them because I saw them far away and "not for me." I started going to prostitutes and when it comes to sexual relations only "paid love" I see as an option for me. I have built a psychological barrier for girls around my age who are single and have normal professions. I have neither the will nor the interest to have a relationship with a "normal" girl. I no longer imagine myself as a person who can have a serious girlfriend or wife and children.

Now it's time for my job and career. I work in a profession that requires intellect, skills, and looks like a lot of work. My salary is not high, but I have enough to pamper myself, I even have some money left. But with every material gain, I feel disappointed.

As you may have guessed, since I have no personal life, my professional will probably take center stage. A few years ago it was somewhat so. I had ambitions at work to be a good and valuable staff. But then I became disgusted with my job. I saw that this was just a job that was not a soul feeder. It started to weigh on me because when you lose your motivation, things change. I changed!

I came to a new place, which from the first day seemed very depressing. At that time, I lacked any professional ambitions. I thought that by changing the environment my life would go in a new direction, but the opposite happened. I realized that even with a new job, motivation would not come.

Apart from closing myself in, even more, I also lost my little desire for some small pleasures.

Not long after, I made a new professional turn. I went back to my old job because it was clearly shown to me by my former colleagues that I was valuable as a specialist and needed me. I felt some motivation, which unfortunately lasted exactly two days! Then I saw that they were looking for someone to do the dirty work because unlike many other people, I never said NO! People like working with such a person. Users have also appeared!

I do my job well, but I am on the edge of my physical and mental capabilities. My new position is something I have always kept my distance from.

I hate my job and what lies ahead! I have no ambitions. I go every day in disgust. I try to perform my duties conscientiously, but I am torn from within.

I'm going home rotten! I don't even know what else I would do, because I already hate myself and the world around me enough.

I started drinking! Not so much yet, but things usually start somewhere. Alcohol dulls this tension, this feeling of hopelessness and uselessness.

Every day for the last 10 years I want to die! I would not commit suicide because I know what I will do to my loved ones. I just want to die! Something to happen to me and to end.

I watch and read about various incidents with dead people. These are people who have children, dreams, ambitions and goals in life. If you will believe me, but I want to exchange it with one of them. To give him my life, because I can't use it anyway. Every time something hurts, I want it to be a malignant disease and get rid of my life faster.

After the last one you read, will you probably advise me to go to a psychiatrist? I went and was diagnosed with some form of depression, nothing so serious! I have prescribed an antidepressant, which I have been taking for several years.

For years I have been in a hole in which I am sinking more and more. I see what situation I am in and day by day I lose the desire to do something about it to change that. I need help!