The Dull Butterflies In My Stomach - I Strained Again

Before, when I came across such stories, I didn't take them seriously at all. I can't even believe I'm writing these things. A man is involved, of course. I won't write about my new oven, her. Yes, let's say 10 years older than me and about 7 mountains and seas that divide us - not kilometers, but intelligence. He devoted his life to the teachings and is now reaping the fruits, which seems to increase my interest. I have always admired such people because I have never been so purposeful and persistent. And in my idealistic notions of a Man - he must be just that, older, more mature and responsible. He made an impression on me right away - there was not a speck of dust on his suit, they probably didn't iron my suit in the Chemical Department like his, in which he comes dressed ... to lectures. Style, class and most of all sharp and BEAUTIFUL MIND.

God, that mind. For his age, this man has jumped many times. He earned the respect and admiration of professors, assistants, colleagues. Terribly demanding, measured, every word is in place and right on target. Very principled, strict. I don't know if he only wears this mask in the academic room, but I wonder if it's the same outside the university. He teaches exactly the discipline in which I am the weakest in terms of basic knowledge. He is strong right in the subjects, where I am at the level of the black Zlatka. If someone had told me that I would start studying so hard, I wouldn't have believed it. I read additional literature, solve problems like crazy. He thinks so well and explains that at the moment I dare to say that I have made great progress. This man-made me love the object I hated the most. I don't know if it's bound, I heard it's not, which is quite understandable, he did not have time for such things. I didn't ask if he had a partner because I think I'm afraid the answer will be no, and then I have no choice but to jump on top of him.

Such a man does not fall out. He is very robbed of emotions, gestures, like an ice statue. That's why I pretend not to hear when colleagues suggest that he looks at me especially and smiles at me. I'm not looking for exact advice, but rather I wanted to admit what I was afraid to admit to myself. I am more likely to overcome my pride and show it to him somehow than to overcome these differences. It actually stops me. I feel too small, stupid and insignificant to such a Man. I have the feeling that to run against him for a hundred years, I can't catch up with him. On the other hand, I'm so used to being courted and taken down by men, that it never occurred to me to take the first step. I consider it as if it is below my dignity, even more so in these circumstances.

He thinks modernly, he is not a can, but I think that even if he felt sympathy, he would stop them, he would not do anything. What's worse is that he will teach me for a long time, and his absences are fatal and will have a very bad effect on my education as a whole. I don't know how this story will continue. It would be easier if he didn't turn after me in the hallway if he didn't frown when he saw me smoking with my colleagues (he hates cigarettes) if he didn't smile when he looked at how diligently my lectures were arranged. There is something. The stupid thing is that I really want to know what, but I don't know how right and possible it is in general. Even more, that for many reasons I am currently avoiding the company of men, and my priorities are very different from building a relationship, whatever it is.

It took a very long time, but in my soul, there is a hurricane of emotions that I suppressed for too long, is in style. Thanks for reading, I would love to hear feedback.