Do these diseases matter the same? I don't know. I have not gone to a psychologist and I do not want to worry about ours, we are poor, and if I tell the psychologist that my only real friends are in the online environment she will 100% tell my mom and she does not let me write with strangers). When I was little, I swallowed that shame and fear. I wanted to be social and get paid attention, but I didn't get anything more than bullying at school because I'm fat and I have problem eyes. The first seven years of school ruined me, but at least it's not bad anymore. The worst was in 6th and 7th grade because there was this girl who made fun of me for ABSOLUTELY everything (financial condition, phone brand, my social media followers, my chamomile, my body, my hair, my family (I have a fucked-up family and had a difficult childhood) and others). I couldn't wait for this hell to end. Sometimes he would come up to me and ask me "Why don't you talk to anyone? Do you have a problem? And I didn't know about social phobia and autism at the time. The only thing that saved me from this hell is my secret online friends. They became closer to me than my only live friend, who I don't get along with very much. And before you tell me to block them because they might be dangerous, I would ask you, would it be easy for you to block someone you've known for over 5 years and you've talked to each other billions of times on a video chat, you've done live knows and you have your phone numbers? These people made my life a paradise. I'm me with them, and they are. I even got accepted by telling them I was afraid of people and always having to socialize for one reason or another I would die and talking to someone (which is rare) or stuttering or talking the biggest nonsense. I always find an excuse to escape a social situation. I'm afraid of saying something stupid and laughing at me afterwards, while with my online girlfriends I'm relaxed, but I can no longer make online friends out of this fear, and I haven't made friends since safe 2017. I always try not to seem to be afraid, but you can tell and people talk about it. I can't look people in the eye because, like I said earlier, I have problem eyes, and that's why my classmates are talking behind my back about how maybe I have autism. Sometimes I can look people in the eye, but for no more than five seconds. I've read a lot in the last few years about these two mental illnesses, and I'm confused. What if I have autism? Does that mean I'il be rejected by society for the rest of my life? And even worse for me, when I grow up, there's no escape. I don't want to socialize and talk to my colleagues or I'm going to listen to "I think she's got autism all my life," "I think she's crazy. How was she accepted to work?" or if I accidentally started socializing someone to say "Don't talk to her. She's crazy." What am I supposed to do? I don't want to bother mom because she has so much to worry about, and I don't want to talk to a psychologist.
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