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Should I Tell Her I Know? I Do Not Know What To Do.

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The Story

Hello, I will start my story from afar to get a little better idea of ​​the whole picture. I was born in a small town, I have lived in Sofia for 15 years. At school, I've always been a bit of an outsider, first because I wore glasses in first grade, and as you know, kids can be pretty cruel to their peers. Although then I got into a fight if someone was making fun of me. I was a strong student, ie of the so-called "bison". But I played on the volleyball team, so I wasn't that crazy. At 15, I lost my father and only I know what I went through. I helped him after I got back from school and day after day I saw him lose his mind more and more because of the nasty cancer. Then I closed completely, stopped talking, became completely antisocial. Students didn't go very smoothly, but then I got a chance for a fresh start and I'd say that things had begun to sort themselves out. Then I caught my first serious friend (only in the 4th year, I was already working almost full time). We were both virgins, but I had a problem with the member (phimosis) - I guess since adolescence, but I no longer have any memory of how it was then. At first we drove for a long time without trying to penetrate until she felt ready, then we tried, but it didn't work. My head turned blue because of the phimosis ring, and she was obviously scared, although I realized that after a while and I could look from another angle and a little more mature. Apart from that, she just sat at home during the day, bored and wondering what to do, and I got tired of trying to combine university with work. Well, I'm obviously tired of her and we broke up in a year and a half. I experienced it very hard, because I had sunk to my ears and it took me over a year to overcome it. And just then I moved to another apartment, there was no one to help me with the transfer and I decided. that he would manage on his own and the consequence was a hernia operation. Instead of calling her movers ... Otherwise I don't judge her for anything, even from time to time (rarely) we write to each other a little. But after that failure, I gasped again. I can't explain why I didn't go to the doctor after that. In fact, we went with her once and she said I had nothing. The essential part is already approaching :) Then another girl appeared - she started working in the company I was in then. However, there was a friend, and I was screwed and blown away and did nothing. I entered the friendly zone, no matter what I thought she was interested in at first. And so 10 years have passed since then. In general, she didn't use me much, I didn't pay her bills, I wasn't always available, we just went out because she didn't have anyone - her mother worked abroad and from a divorced family. So when they broke up with her boyfriend, she was left alone. Of course, I wanted something more, but I didn't have the courage, and his empty virginity became a complex, like many other people on this site. At one time I was in love with her, but as we know it passes. However, I still love her, while she is more used to me, I don't even know if she has feelings for me at all. Three years ago, she was diagnosed with a cavernoma (tumor) in her brain after a seizure, and later became depressed. I was with her more and more often and tried to help her somehow. We went to all kinds of doctors, but her anxiety did not disappear, on the contrary - it deepened. There were times when I couldn't get her out of bed at all. He was also getting something like panic attacks and we called an ambulance at night. I didn't know how to help her, I tried to be by her side, but that wasn't enough. Her mother came home and we thinned out the contacts a bit, ie I went to work for a longer time and saw her in the evening, but I didn't sleep with them. There was a suicide attempt, apparently seeing no way out, although, fortunately, the check-ups did not show an increase. However, she is constantly dizzy because this thing presses on the thalamus. She ran away from home and swallowed pills, I couldn't find the location of her phone, I went around the neighborhoods at night, the police refused to demand triangulation from a mobile operator. I was crazy, and her mother couldn't think straight, and I had to take matters into my own hands, trying to keep my cool and not panic. Fortunately, a security guard had found her on the basement again and taken her to a hospital, where they called us. He was in a coma and could have serious consequences. We spent in the hospital I think 2 weeks almost day and night. She woke up on the 3rd day. After this incident he still takes antidepressants. He doesn't go out without his mother or me. I try not to make her feel like a prisoner, but she thinks it weighs a lot on her that she can't go out completely free. We now come to my current problem. He asked for sex, I agreed because I had wanted it for years. It didn't work - I still have the problem down there. Apart from the fact that I was overwhelmed, super worried and I couldn't get over my head that I wouldn't be able to cope. The next time the mental problem deepened and I blamed myself more and more. Along with the phimosis, I also had a slightly short band, as well as a terrible sensitivity of the head, which led to pain. I went to the doctor, they said there was no phimosis and I scheduled the nearest date for surgery. In the meantime, she told me in plain text that she wanted to try one of her colleagues. I forgot to mention that he works entirely from home, does not go to the office at all. My gems sank. After 2-3 days he found out about the operation and apparently gave up. They removed my laser beam. I recovered in 15 days and we tried again - this time it turned crooked, but I smeared myself with lidocaine. There was no other way with this sensitivity. We went home to them and she sat down at the computer without expecting me and showed me a picture of that colleague's work. I have no words. I'm not very gifted (14 cm with good thickness) and I felt bad. Affected, I left. The next day he apologized to me and I swallowed. This happened sometime in January. Then we did it a few more times with varying success and each time I think it's getting better. But I continue to use lidocaine. However, the sensitivity gradually decreases - I can now touch it with almost no problem, while before it was a terrible pain to wash. I maintain otherwise quite good hygiene. The problem is that she continues to write to this colleague (I don't know what exactly) and they exchange nude photos, maybe masturbate together. He doesn't pay much attention to me, he probably doesn't like me at all. I am 100% sure about the photos. Maybe a video, because her phone camera broke recently and I guess it's from overheating. I try in sex. I have no experience, but I try to predispose her, I like the pre-game and I have long fingers. I think I'm doing well - I pay a lot of attention and I try to please her. However, she seems to be a tree in the bed - she just lies on her back and so much, she hardly touches me, she has never been to kisses. 2-3 times she hugged and kissed me and helped me with her hand. It often happens that he just lies down and says "I want" without any play. Otherwise, it gets aroused and moisturized, so I don't know if I have the problem or if it is. Maybe during sex he thinks about her again. I can last a long time with lidocaine, but I don't feel almost nothing to see it and it happened to me :( This situation with the photos (I also feel when she lies to me in the evening if I write something to her) bothers me a lot - from I can't sleep for 3 days, it will definitely affect me, now at the end of the week I will stay with her while her mother travels to work and I wonder what to do. The lack of sleep and these thoughts about the photos (and that member is imprinted in my mind) will certainly make the situation even worse and I may expose myself again. I thought that this with the colleague would be temporary and would disappear quickly, but she is still bored and it is possible that things will get worse there. You may be wondering why I haven't whipped myself before, no matter that I still love her, and why I don't know now whether to open my mouth or swallow again. I'm afraid he'll do something stupid again. I know that I neglect myself in this way and only harm myself, but I also get into a situation because of the ugliness in her head. I try to help as much as I can. I don't want to hurt her, I want things to get better. I don't think I can make her feel wanted enough, so she's looking elsewhere. But I'm angry that he's making a fool of me and thinking, that I feel nothing. I want to somehow make her feel that I am not a given to her and she can lose me at any time, but without pushing her to extremes - I will never forgive myself. I don't know what to do, but there should be a way out. I am more reserved, I am not impulsive and I think about every situation. I'm a programmer and my mind works in analytical mode, that's why I'm not that interesting. Fortunately, I have a good sense of humor and I compensate with that :) This outpouring became terribly long, and I could have written so much more, but I will stop here. I don't have a super close friend to share with. I hope someone will endure and read it all :) M 33 but without pushing her to extremes, I will never forgive myself. I don't know what to do, but there should be a way out. I am more reserved, I am not impulsive and I think about every situation. I'm a programmer and my mind works in analytical mode, that's why I'm not that interesting. Fortunately, I have a good sense of humor and I compensate with that :) This outpouring became terribly long, and I could have written so much more, but I will stop here. I don't have a super close friend to share with. I hope someone will endure and read it all :) M 33 but without pushing her to extremes, I will never forgive myself. I don't know what to do, but there should be a way out. I am more reserved, I am not impulsive and I think about every situation. I'm a programmer and my mind works in analytical mode, that's why I'm not that interesting. Fortunately, I have a good sense of humor and I compensate with that :) This outpouring became terribly long, and I could have written so much more, but I will stop here. I don't have a super close friend to share with. I hope someone will endure and read it all :) M 33 ) This outpouring took an awful long time, and I could have written so much more, but I'll stop there. I don't have a super close friend to share with. I hope someone will endure and read it all :) M 33 ) This outpouring took an awful long time, and I could have written so much more, but I'll stop there. I don't have a super close friend to share with. I hope someone will endure and read it all :) M 33

Last Updated
September 25, 2020
Author:
gradeaundera

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