Problems-sashanime

Hello. As a child, I was abused by my father. I was always guilty, I was killed, I was hit, I kept interfering. Yes, now you will ask yourself the question: "Where was my mother in the whole situation ..." She was there, yes she was there and there was nothing she could do but move out. Yes, but it was too late, I was 11 years old, I was just entering puberty, I admit I'm more sensitive, but I was already sympathetically crushed ... Every day scandals, every day beatings, every day cops at home ... You will say " What's the problem here? "I grew up I have a friend for two years, but I'm very nervous at times, I find it hard to trust him (I still think he will kick me, like my father), in bed full of hell .. I want to relaxed, to do something more broken, but did not dare. (I don't dare because I'm afraid, afraid of how he will react), but I want to but I can't .. He doesn't force me for anything, because he knows that every scream takes me back in time. I can not relax. I am asking for advice.