Hello. I am a 22-year-old woman, I live with my brother and my mother. I also have an older brother who lives abroad and is married. I work from home and earn a little more than the national average. Due to the state of emergency, my brother was fired from his job (he is 11 months younger than me), he only works for a few months because he is studying. My mother helps me in my work and in other words - she is unemployed.
Now for me - almost completely antisocial person, thanks to depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and a bunch of phobias, which I began to develop little by little since 12th grade. I have quite unstable mental health. I also have several health problems, I hope not so serious. I have problems with eating, sleeping and a lot of other things. My brother has had problems with aggression for many years, if you make him angry he can kill you and he won't even blink. He doesn't do anything at home, I support him, I constantly buy him anything, but he beats me up. He hits me with all the force a man his age can have. If I say something and he doesn't like it - a blow and God forbid I hit him back too, he starts kicking his head on his stomach, twisting his arms, pushing. If my mother hadn't witnessed every time, I would be dead by now.
He broke phones, windows, TVs. The truth is that as children we were brought up with a fight and I still think that his aggression comes from that, and my low self-esteem and depression too. Since I was a child, I have been humiliated by fights or insults not only at home but also at school and anywhere. I have said that it is a period and will pass, but now I am more and more convinced that I am obviously nothing and I deserve it. I haven't had a relationship with boys because I always get into toxic relationships with toxic people that end in a broken heart for me. I have a lot of fans and my life looks great in front of people, but the truth is that I cry every day and I don't have the courage for anything. I can't move out of the house, I live in one of the big cities, but once I've done my calculations, I won't be able to pay the rent.
As I said, I have health problems that require a lot of money, and if I go out I won't be able to cope. Besides, there will be no one to help at home. I am scared because my life is only going to the bottom and I do not know if I will ever live normally, with a loving husband and children, peace, no fears, panic crises, no violence, regardless of mental or physical .. Do you have any advice, I tolerate this with years, I feel helpless already.