My Mother Crippled Me, I Don't Know If I Can Love.

Hello 28-year-old man from / to 16-26 years old, my mother abused me mentally. Whether there was an outsider in the house, a relative or not, she had a great feeling of insulting me and making everyone look at me like a mold. Because of this, no one takes you seriously, and it makes it easier for everyone to express disrespect for me. Yes, there are so many cases, "my mother insults me in front of people", but don't think that you all know and that you can judge that it is something common. I said from 16 to 26 years old that she was abusive. This is not the case, she continues, but at the age of 26 I changed my way of behaving with her, I got a crisis because of the next, constant processing of her on me, without paying attention that one person, me, can trust her for everything just because is his mother, and she is looking for a hole in the armor CONSTANTLY. Drop by drop, pool. Every day, any convenient moment. There is no normal conversation, no love, I do not feel love, there is only pain and attack on my peace, tension, also fear. Anyway, let's go back to the fact that I got a crisis of 26 from abuse, with this thing so that I can deal with it, so that I can safely go home, from a period I live alone, but there was a previous period in which makes my heart beat faster after work only when I know that I have to go home and she will meet me with treatment and harassment. Excuse me for deviating, but I am also writing clarifications to make the picture clearer of my situation. In order to be able to deal with this thing without going to hospitals and drinking sedatives, I developed a STRONG feeling of "not letting anyone near me." To survive once I learned not to care about my mother, you have no idea how easy it is for a person on the street or someone I have met 2-3-4 times, or a colleague or a new / old friend, to ignore him, to abstract that he exists from some small things with which he has offended me . I don't feel love, and I can't give love. Because I do not give, and I do not receive. My father always listened to her my mother, she cooks for him, she gives him this, she gives him that, and leaves my crisis and what my mother caused me, in the air, one thing did not happen, there was a dispute, he did not believes that she is capable and thinks where I know what, that I just blame her for being "eat what", and my mother is very happy, because there is no reason to worry that she fucked something, and I lose my mind that it is obvious what is happening, and there is a person who even supports it. I don't feel any love, no peace around my closest relatives, even my sister, I don't feel like going back to where I grew up and feeling in the 7th heaven, I'm going to harden my nerves and learn how to behave like a simpleton with people to save my soul. To learn how not to allow my closest relatives to my soul in order to preserve myself. There are situations in which I have to defend myself again, and I imagine how I get married and I am distorted by these problems and I treat my wife badly not because I am an idiot, but because I am already. It doesn't fit my head, I get married and I love my wife, and because I have been harassed and abused, I let go, I get rude, I go down a path where I kill love and create insults. This thing doesn't fit my head. At such a level I am aware of what is happening, I see that there is nothing I can do. There must be something, but I don't see it, it's not easy. It's not like sitting in one place, but it's been about 16 years since I've had a crisis and I've opened my eyes to the fact that even your mother can't be close to you, trust her, and feel at home around her. I see how every time I meet my mother, I train the part of myself that I don't want to train, to develop, to behave like that with people. But for survival, that's it. Such manipulative thinking. In the eyes, NEVER wants to look at you or look at another, I'm not sure he understands what is a lie and what is true. I think it's true to think that everything you do to achieve a goal is true. It hurts me a lot and I am afraid for the present and for the future, not to push away a person I love, because I have such an experience with my closest relatives. The site is called "Share", this is what I wanted to share. Thank you for your time.