MY CONFUSED LIFE

MY CONFUSED LIFE Here is my story, which to some may seem like a soap opera, but no, this is my life. I got married at the age of 18. We had a relationship for four years. This was my first love. Our marriage lasted 6 months and then a long painful divorce. He decided to leave, without explanation. I suffered a lot. Only I know what it's like to be almost a child, only 18, with love in your heart, which he rejects and to stand in the courtroom, where your whole life is on display and various strangers discuss it and know it. better than you what happened. To this day, I have no explanation for what actually happened. After the divorce I met a man, exciting, handsome, smart, successful, 15 years older than me ... He already had two marriages behind him and two children by his two wives. He said he loved me very much, he made my days wonderful, interesting and wouldn't let me even think about what I had recently experienced. What he didn't tell me, however, was that he had been living with a girl for two months before our relationship. One day he took me to them, after we returned from the hut, I was scalded when I saw that she was with them. I was already very much in love with him. He said they weren't married and could always pack up and return it to her parents. He made me an offer in the most romantic way, but I had just shaken off a divorce, I was afraid to try again. I wasn't ready to commit yet, although I liked and loved him very much. My parents were against it, given his past. My mother told me that if I went with him, there would be no more room for me in their home and they would not have a daughter. I still felt small, hurt, and helpless, and I didn't dare break up with my parents. I chose them. We continued to see this man, but less often. In the meantime, we became close with the woman he lived with, she was a year younger than me. We got along well. One day she told me she was pregnant. He did not want the child. I talked to him and told him that I think the most important thing now is him and his needs, and a child needs to grow up in a quiet home, with the love of both parents. We broke up. We tried to maintain some friendly family relations, but I couldn't. I was shaking when I saw him and I wanted him madly. I broke up with him forever to give him a chance to build his family. Only a week later I got married. I didn't have a relationship with anyone else while I was with him, we just met my husband and got engaged a week later. Second marriage and so on to this day. My husband loves me very much, but it immediately became clear to him what I had turned my back on and what I would struggle with over the years. I loved HIM. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have two wonderful children - a 14-year-old daughter and a 7-year-old son. He and I are successful people. In the early spring, my husband told me that he had seen him, was in poor health, and wanted the whole family to see me. Ever since he told me, I haven't stopped thinking about him. The long-awaited meeting took place, after it two or three more times we saw only the two of him and it all started again - crazy, strong, shaking. I couldn't lie to my husband and I told him the truth. He knew no one could stop me this time. I was no longer that child, and I had missed him all these years. The two families lived together for some time. His wife doesn't know the truth, but she guesses what's going on. Our relationship was wonderful, until she began to feel hostility. Everything is developing headlong between me and him. Until we feel / we have been in a relationship for only 6 months /, we are already working on the issue of having a baby, we love each other, and our years go by, we don't have time. However, I will raise the child with my husband. That's how we decided. I don't want to break up with my wife. They have a wonderful child whose future I don't want to break. Now, after so many years, I can say out loud THIS IS MY BIG LOVE. However, since our relationship started again, my parents haven't talked to me, and they both got sick, I try, but they give me ultimatums, we can't understand each other, and I backed away from them. Everything was very nice, but from 18.11. I haven't had sex with my lover, he avoids me. I feel there is a problem, he takes me, we go out, but he doesn't touch me. I'm still genuinely happy, but he doesn't touch me, he doesn't kiss me. When we visited them, he showed closeness and tenderness with his wife in front of me, and he told me that the only thing for him was me and his child. Sometimes he calls me at night, says he wants to see me, then he doesn't come. I don't know what's going on, and I'm a proud person and I can't ask him. It would be like falling to his knees for me. And I love him so much ... I'm in love with him as a student. I cry all day and night. I lost 20 kilograms, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and that's not the case with him. My husband saw himself wondering what to do with me. I lost my job. I am unemployed now. I stand and cry all day waiting for him to call me. He calls every other day or two, but only to ask me how I am, to take me out for an hour and to invite us to visit them. It's just like a friendship, and until less than a month ago it wasn't just that. What can I do, I go crazy without him, I can't live without touching him, without his hugs, without the words he said to me, without his kisses. He doesn't even know if I'm pregnant right now. He doesn't even ask me. Otherwise, when we are with them, he behaves normally. He talks to me, invites us and says he needs me, that he needs me. I'm confused. I don't know what to do, but I know that if he wants to be with me tomorrow, I'll go again because I'm crazy about him. Advise me, please! I don't know what to do, but I know that if he wants to be with me tomorrow, I'll go again because I'm crazy about him. Advise me, please! I don't know what to do, but I know that if he wants to be with me tomorrow, I'll go again because I'm crazy about him. Advise me, please!