For several months now I have been making HUGE efforts to control my anger, and to some extent I am happier, but to another extent I am not. To be consistent, I will say that until almost a year ago I was a complete wreck - I fought, argued, committed robberies, armed robberies and what not. I don't know how I managed to get out of the police all these times, but I had stepped up to the prison with terrible speed. 2-3 times, when the police came in a situation of fighting and conflict, they gave it to alcohol and I promised them that it would never happen again and they checked me that I was clean ... and they didn't know how many more crimes I was rules. The moment came when I started losing friends, my relatives became estranged from me, and I used to feel alone, but now it has become tangible and I decided to change. I decided that I needed to start thinking more maturely and being more gentle.
Now I study, I work in several places, I do perfectly. But here's what affects me tonight. He sits at work and a funny supervisor comes along and starts picking on something that is so insignificant that there is no need to question it. He shouts, shouts and explains to me how there would be fines because no one followed the rules. The new self sat meekly and tried to explain his ridiculous mistake, and finally the supervisor left happy. All the while, however, as he spoke to me, I thought, "God, this man doesn't even realize who he's sitting against," I just wanted to get up and smash his mischievous smile and crooked teeth. To scatter it in 10,000 pieces, but I didn't. Yes, I kept my job, which I still don't really need, because I have another much better paid one, but now I have a problem with my ego. I feel ridiculous, pathetic, and feminine.
Because in the previous world, I never let anyone talk to me like that. I haven't fought since I decided to get better, but I have serious problems with respect because whoever has gone this way knows - to stand behind your own back and hit an idiot on the face usually leads to the desired effect - respect. Now, I feel humiliated and weak, but at the same time, I don't want to be what I used to be.
There was a similar case recently - a man fucks a lot with me in a way that made me feel humiliated and of course, I was on the verge of breaking his head. I didn't do it again. And for that, too, I have remorse. I try to be normal, but somehow I don't know how to fight not to put anything on my heart. I just think that like all people, I deserve respect, not to mention that there is something special in my work. If you give me advice on how not to feel humiliated after a conflict with someone in which I have been in a more passive position, I will be grateful. As for whether the story is true - yes, I do not bother to talk about the things I have done, because everything here is anonymous, and ... totally unprovable :) Maybe I can imagine who knows ... It's like I will be grateful for your advice.
1 duchess001 answered
The only way is to change your value system. I think she is totally wrong. Every normal person deserves respect, not just you. But not everyone wins it with their fists. Your ego is excessive, you are used to being intoxicated by the feeling of strength and superiority. You do not realize that it is normal for a person to be respected because he does good, forgives, loves, helps, supports, achieves things with his own work and efforts, not because he can fight, have connections in the underworld or "instill respect ". What you instill is fear, not respect (in English, the word means respect!). And there is no reason to be proud. On the contrary, it is a shame that by making people afraid, you give yourself the feeling that you mean something. Humble your insane pride and accept that people are different, all kinds. And it is not at all said that if a man behaves or speaks wrongly, as you expect, then his teeth should be knocked out just because you are a "strong and big man" and "you know the price." If there were bigger quotes, I would put them on, so I hope you catch the irony. Your aggression is a manifestation of inner weakness, hidden behind the mask of an invincible macho. True male strength is measured in completely different units.