Me, He And Him

Hello! You will probably decide that I am crazy after reading it and to be honest I am inclined to believe it ... I am asking you for advice, because I can no longer stand it and I am desperate. I have been hesitating for a long time whether to write here, but things are already getting out of control and only here I can have one last chance for ADEQUATE advice. It's about me, my crazy friend and the weird boy from my daily life. I have a serious friend. We have been together for about a year, but "officially" since May this year. Everything went great - we loved each other, we shared, we were so happy and carefree. After that summer, however, everything changed. I had to travel, I had not returned for more than a day for two and a half months, and our communication was reduced to almost zero. However, this did not stop me and only strengthened my feelings for him, it showed me that he is the man for me, because we trusted each other. At the end of the summer, however, things deepened and became more complicated, a disease was discovered for him, he changed ... All the time until today I am inseparable from him, we endured everything together. He needed me and I was by his side, arguing with friends, family ... I started not paying attention to myself and the only thing I did for myself was to maintain my personal hygiene and keep myself in such a way that not to show that it hurts me from the whole story. Now it's better, thank God there is hope, but things are getting even more complicated. He started to get nervous out of nowhere, he insulted me, he didn't trust me. He denounced my hobby as stupid and I almost didn't understand my job, exams are waiting for me - he seems to believe in me, he seems to support me in the next moment, he gets angry when he chooses to study instead of spending more time with him, I had done nothing for him, no sacrifices, NOTHING. But that's not all. I began to despair. I was locked in a world and the only thing I really did was fight with him all night, then sleep, then apologize to him (whether guilty or innocent) because I was really afraid of our relationship. He never apologizes. And I had just despaired when a man appeared ... a man, I tell you, a man, not so much in years as in mind. No, it's not smaller than me, it's not much bigger - only 3 years apart, but it doesn't matter now. This man was really annoying to me in the beginning - he appeared everywhere, but I'm paranoid and I was completely nerdy. But then it became interesting to me - always alone and I can not deny that it is quite stylish and attractive with such warm brown eyes, brown hair, at least a meter and ninety tall with a beautiful smile ... After our daily duties we return by subway - it turned out to be from my neighborhood. But we never talk, NEVER. I lack male support and I have obviously started looking for her in strangers unconsciously, because I start looking at him, browsing his Facebook profile, smiling when he looks at me. The bad thing is that he doesn't stay behind with that either. Two weeks ago I was returning with my girlfriend and two mutual friends, the man in question was also with them. The road to our neighborhood is about twenty minutes, so we had time to talk. As I talked to our mutual friends, I looked at him, he looked at me, we threw another silly smile, then we looked at the floor guiltily again. He didn't say a word to me all the way, I didn't say a word to him either, but when he came down he looked at me and said, "Good evening." with the same silly and meanwhile childish smile. From that moment on, we look for contact with each other every day - not in words ... we don't need words - we look in the corridors of the workplace, we look for each other before and after - I look for him and go out alone under the pretext that I need from the air of the holidays or from refreshment, I just walk around in front of him ... he seems to be walking, he doesn't seem to care what's going on around him, but when we catch him, he's not the ass he is in now ... that's why my friend doesn't behave like that. I'm sick, I'm very sick - I admit that this man is attractive - everything I wanted, but my friend is the one who needs me. I feel totally crushed, especially after last Thursday, when I was alone and desperate in the subway, thinking about another scandal that awaits me when I return home and .... he was right across the street. When I looked at him he smiled (oh, that smile). I was embarrassed, I looked away, but he pulled it back by tapping his foot (I have a nasty habit of looking at the ground at people's feet). I want to talk to this person, I want to finally make him talk, I want ... I just want to talk, I want to have this person in my environment (we leave the other - I have a serious friend who needs me) , I was so carried away today that I didn't see him with several other people and I bumped into one, and he started laughing and let them go forward when he raised his eyebrows, pursed his lips and looked me up and down with the same approving expression. I melted on the spot ... I need this, I need someone like him - strong, wonderful, INTERESTED like him. That's exactly what I need. On the one hand, he is so careless, smiling (however alone), always there, even if he doesn't talk (that exactly needs to change). On the other side is my friend-smart, funny, but big ass lately. Last night he even told me to get lost because I made him nervous. I want to stop arguing, I want to be in his favor because he needs me, I want to prove to him that I'm up for something, that I understand from my work that I will finally realize myself in what I want. I don't know what to do, really. Please for some help, for some advice. I'm afraid of things that could happen ... I really want a little help with what to do ... That person will leave in a few months, I know - we won't see each other again, and talking on the net - absurd !! There's something, I know it-it feels and it shows and I want to know what it is, I want to know if I'm finally wanted even if I'm not with him, even ... I don't know, I just want to know that there's someone who wants me and who's not annoyed by my presence. I don't know what to do at all, and there is a mess in my head ... HELP!