Low Self-esteem And Worries: My Story

The Story

Here is a very long and confusing personal story:
I have had very low self-esteem since I was a child.
For example, at school I remember learning how to read and write and I always thought that I could not cope and that I would fail ... I had never been good at school and I always needed someone to help me with my studies.
I suffered from anxiety that paralyzed me when I was tested in class ... and so people were left with the impression that I had not studied and that I was stupid.
I don't know if it was because I had childhood asthma and was often absent from school ... and that I wasn't allowed to go out and play with the other children because our people were paranoid that I was going to have an attack. I also think it affected my development a bit as a person ... you still can't eat the same foods as others, you can't play physically, you're very vulnerable to disease ... you're constantly under pressure ... and you just feel different from the others. and our people kept me from getting sick because I had a weak immunity and they didn't let me go out with friends much. I was told that others were as healthy as oxen, and I was not ...
Unfortunately, Bulgarian teachers hate such children who learn more slowly and need a little help to relax. They always called me and humiliated me at school that I knew nothing, and my class was full of dentists. My family also treated me badly. I don't know why, but the Bulgarians obviously think that with fear and strength you achieve excellent success instead of patience and understanding.
And I wasn't that dumb, I just worried too much and my head blocked when I was under pressure. It is also very bad that they force children to learn things that they do not like and do not have talents for them. I'm more creative and I liked arts as well as languages. Unfortunately, these qualities are not valued in Bulgaria. It is not good that they group children who are not allowed to study with toothpicks in one class.
As a child, I didn't have many friends because my anxiety prevented me from relaxing in front of others. I always sat on the rank as a soldier, did not go out in the break, and was an easy target for brutal mockery, which also affected me badly. I don't know if my behavior was normal ... when I think about it, I find it strange that I always sat as if punished in the breaks.
Then I went to an elite high school somehow. My class was much weaker and I calmed down a bit then about my success and so on. I found a few friends and found a place. I changed a little - I became more impudent and hot-tempered so that I could protect myself from ridicule and harassment of teachers. but even so, I didn't become open enough to make many friendships. I always sat in our line and did not talk to anyone. My friendships broke down to the 12th grade. because my friends were also very open and too lazy, arrogant, and unambitious while I was getting ready to go to study abroad.
So in high school I had become more or less a normal person with normal self-esteem ... but I changed my environment, culture and country, and ... I fell into a shock that I never expected to have. I was alone, I barely knew anyone who was at the same university. My family left me to fend for myself abroad ... and I had a very difficult time. I was left with the impression that they just want to get rid of me because there is still no money for tickets to return for the holidays ... Here and everyone is so open and confident .... and I seem to be back in my shell from childhood. Out of anxiety, I couldn't form normal sentences, and I was the best in English in class ... and I didn't understand the accents ... I was embarrassed by student parties because I'm not that kind of person ... the first year I made some friends and I felt good. .. but in the second year, everything changed. my friends moved, and those who remained seemed to have forgotten me. It was a big stress for me. I had a lot of trouble looking for a place to stay, getting a yellow card, looking for a job and not having the money ... and no one was there for me. even my parents hated me for not being able to ... I got very angry then. I was depressed for a few months and I was a complete nihilist. With a lot of stress (for example with the rooms and the lack of money) I started to tremble with horror and behave inappropriately and things got worse ... I don't know if this is a normal reaction to a young person. the others have in *** whether they will find accommodation or not. I had not reacted in this way since my early school years.
...
I'm also very worried about talking to people and expressing my opinion ... I don't know why I'm like that. Either I have nothing to say or I'm worried about cracking. And everyone can't wait to hear everything about you ... no one has time to get to know you.
Now I'm looking for a job again, but I can't lie, I'm not running and I can't present myself in a good way ... I just think that this life in the west is not for me. It confuses me a lot that everyone is confident and extroverted, and I'm not.

Last Updated
May 24, 2020
Author:
indianbushmilf

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