Love (you Have No Right To Pull The Trigger ...)

Before you read, know that I am not a writer, I did not try to shape it stylistically, it is a stream of deep thoughts thrown on the sheet before they are forgotten. It was as if yesterday, when I first kissed her, her lips touched mine so uncertainly that I felt awkward for a moment. It was as if it had been yesterday when I first hugged her, when I first stroked her face, when my chest first drew the contours of her face. For a long time she felt insecure with me, this feminine glare of hers calling me into doubt. her eyes, telling her not to trust me yet, whispering to her that I was a stranger. But, soon she overcame her shyness, began to hug me, began to relax, began to seek a kiss from me on any occasion, began to share, revealed to me who she is, showed me what she dreams of. And so the days went by, and I lived in carefree happiness, waiting to meet her. Time passed with her so enchantingly, so pleasantly and so quickly. While one rainy day, I think, was October 23, it was wet, cold and gloomy outside, my favorite time, while I was reading most calmly, someone knocked on the door. I opened it, without even looking through the peephole, I knew it was her, I already knew the way he knocked on the door. The smile on my face grew for a second when I saw her image, I started to kiss her, but she pulled away. My smile faded, my eyebrows rose in surprise, my whole face took on a serious expression, the result of her withdrawal was the question - what's up It was as if he told me for a second that he didn't want to be with me anymore, that I wasn't guilty, and I was still looking surprised, as if I were asleep, I woke up only when she was coming down the stairs, I was looking at her in bewilderment. When I re-entered the room, I accepted a calm expression, I said to myself - it was a mistake to be with her anyway. And my days passed carefree again, even without her I was happy. After about a month and a half, when I lost hope that she would call me, I realized how much I loved her. And now when it's winter outside, more precisely New Year's peak, I'm lying alone on the couch, the apartment is empty, I'm empty, a hollow shell staring at the past, I'm worn out, inside I'm devastated by emotions. Cheerful shouts, songs and wishes could be heard from the neighboring apartments, and it was quiet in my room. An internal struggle was going on inside me - to live or not? It was as if two people were talking inside me. One said: do not take your life, there is no greater betrayal of yourself, one obstacle, one failure, one love and you are ready to give up, are you so weak, is your life so bad, and you are so good to everyone, one day you will meet your true love and you will have a wife and children - the voice barely whispered. Another much stronger voice you object to - you fail in everything you do, you are a ruin, a memory, you are forgotten by everyone, you are unable to deal with problems, give place to someone stronger than you , stop this torture, maybe you will go to a better place, after sunrise always comes sunset - you were right. I jumped out of bed, grabbed a key, headed for a section, unlocked the metal box, and took my rescue. I turned, leaned against the case, thought in my mind, but my lips moved, I opened my eyes and aimed the gun at my head. Seconds before I pulled the trigger, my brother, who had come from Budapest and entered the room, was there to hear it,