Love, Pain And Loneliness

Hello dear readers, here is my story ... I go back to the distant year 2009, a wonderful evening, as usual, my friends and I had coffee. A group of four boys a year older than us from the neighboring school entered the same establishment, as one of the boys was walking with my friend, and they sat at our table. One of the boys immediately impressed me, in a strange way he was very nice to me. We had known each other before, and other times we had been together in common company, but this time it was different. He was one of the few good boys left, wonderful in every way, very natural, with a pure and good soul, tall, thin with the sweetest crooked teeth and the most radiant smile. We exchanged glances all evening, and I was very ashamed. Have you heard of,, Love at first sight,, is ours was second, but certainly the eyes speak in such a situation, the words are superfluous ... Then we started communicating on Skype - then it was relevant. After a few months, continuous round-the-clock chats, it was time for our first meeting. We walked, we went for coffee, in front of the house he kissed me and asked me if I wanted to be boyfriends, I of course accepted and from that moment we were dating together, it is childish at this age, but we got a completely different thing .. from a children's school LOVE! I was ashamed to tell our people that I had a boyfriend, and all my relatives as well, because they would not accept him normally, at least I thought so considering our age. We had been going for about 8 months, and a friend of his invited us to a ball, we agreed that I would sleep with them after the party. Before we went to the ball, he decided I needed to meet his rosaries first, they knew about me, and my parents already knew we were going. At our first meeting I felt them, as my wonderful people, they received me very warmly. We went home at night, and we both had sex for the first time, and most of you would say I was too young for such things, not to deny it, but after this thing happened, we both became even more attached to each other. ... After some time, after many requests, my parents allowed me to sleep with them on Friday and Saturday, with the stipulation that we would study and not run during the week, because we did it very often. So we were looking forward to the weekend so we could spend more time together, the law was for him every time we spent the weekend together to surprise me, sometimes I felt uncomfortable doria .... Given that we both did not work, he collected his pockets to make me happy. Rare are people like him, a man with a capital H, in all these years, I never missed attention, I always felt his love. Love is the strongest feeling when it is mutual of course. The small gestures are the best proof, I can't even describe the things he did for me, hardly anyone else in my life would love me so much, in such a beautiful way. Of course, I felt the same strong thing about him, and he and I always made all sorts of compromises with ease. And so the moment came when he finished high school, took a book and started working. I insisted that he continue his studies, but he decided it was better to stay here and go together next year. With age, he became more and more responsible and serious. September, before my last school year started, one beautiful sunny day we went for a walk to our place, we had a place in the forest where we often went, a monastery near our city. Then, there, completely unexpectedly on my part, he fell to his knees and proposed to me. Without even thinking, I accepted, of course with the stipulation that at this stage we will just be engaged and that things will stay that way until I finish at least. So we both decided that for the first time we would bring only our closest people together and tell them the news. We didn't even expect that our parents would fit in so well, our so-called engagement, of course it embarrassed them at first ... but then they accepted it without drama. So in December I moved to live with them, he had a floor for him. We furnished and lived together, in general we didn't need many things, the fact that we would be together every night and every day was more than enough. Plans to live in the big city disappeared, he refused to study, and I enrolled part-time and started working. Things were going well, our common home was becoming more and more beautiful, we did everything ourselves and our happiness and love were our companion every day. At one point, however, one day, I decided to check his Facebook and phone, I had never done it before, because we always trusted each other. He has a lot of female girlfriends, it always annoyed me in some way, but I didn't make it a problem because I knew I was in the first place. That day, however, I saw a lot of chats with a lot of girls, he generally complimented them and stuff like that, nothing serious. Of course, I was very angry and when the scandal came back it was already a fact. While we were arguing, however, he admitted to himself, that he went for coffee with someone from his grandparents' village, they were known from there. After he told me this thing, I went crazy not because he went for coffee with another, for me it's nothing, I was upset by the fact that he did it behind my back. I left, went home to my parents. During the scandal, we said pretty bad things to each other, one sometimes does not think what he says in these situations, and then regrets. And I overdid it, and so did he. After about a month, things got better and he was the same. The problem was that trust always broke, scandals became part of our daily lives, and at one point I realized that the only solution was separation. I left, finally, this time it was the last. Our separation was a fact, a lot of nerves, a lot of problems with a lot of effort, the relations between our families normalized, our parents were not happy about this thing, they also argued. and as we involved our whole families in this horror, neither I nor he took a step back. And so in the most painful way possible, after a lot of pain, everyone went their separate ways. Until recently, we didn't keep in touch until he befriended me. At this stage we write to each other again, common things. My problem is the following, since we broke up, I still love it, the feeling is inner, I don't show it in any way, I hide it in myself. It weighs on me, a lot, it often happens that I cry in our photos or when I think of something. on the one hand, I don't want to go back because we both did it ugly and very ugly. But on the other hand, I have closed myself to such an extent after this separation that I even have the feeling that I will be left alone. Although many guys talk to me and write to me, they just don't impress me with anything. I'm torn, but I think if we give ourselves another chance, things may be as good as they used to be. Do you think it would be wrong? The truth is that I miss him a lot, I even miss his parents, I miss everything, I'm not happy!