I am 16 years old. I don't know if it comes from puberty, but for the most likely 4th year I have absolutely no motivation for anything - neither for performing basic activities and duties, nor for life at all. I am from a very, very small city - population only 3, 5k people. There are not many opportunities here, let alone any. Almost nothing happens. The environment is ... not very pleasant. Here, children my age and younger, I watch them do everything that most of today's youth - gather to smoke and drink, intrigue, "cheat" and all sorts of such nonsense. Nothing out of the ordinary, is it? I do not fit in with the children in my class and the others. I had a few girlfriends until the 5th or 6th grade, but these relationships were obviously not stable, because what kind of friendships can a 12-year-old build? Everyone moved after 7th grade and I was really left alone. Yes, I have no real friends. I would like to have, but after my next and final attempt to get closer to a group of seemingly more decent classmates, I refuse to try to fit in more with the people in this environment. It just doesn't happen and it doesn't happen ... Every time I reject it, but I'm not surprised anymore.
Maybe I wasted my time. With these last years and especially these last months (say November 2018 - so far) I have become extremely irritable. The smallest things make me angry and my emotions (most often anger) control me completely. I'm depressed and I have no desire for anything. I can't finish or even start a drawing, I can't open a textbook and read something to learn a little, I even have great difficulty composing sentences, and therefore I cannot express my thoughts, and this must be evident from the nonsense I am writing at the moment. I feel bad for myself. I keep telling myself that nothing is happening to me, that I'm rubbish, that I'm not serious, that I'm stupid, that I'm ugly, that I'm not worth it, that I'll always be lonely and all sorts of things. I am very stressed and worried. I lose concentration very easily and I often find myself in some fantasies in my fictional world, where I live so much and spend maybe a few hours a day in the clouds. In the morning I barely get up and my whole body hurts, I often have headaches, during the day I constantly cry and at the slightest remark from a teacher or some slight taunts from a classmate my eyes water and I can barely hold back. I often cry at home. No reason. There is no real reason for anything that happens to me, but it does happen and gets worse over time. I can't connect my thoughts. I hardly speak out loud anymore, and when I try to say something, I often realize that ... I don't know what to say or what I want to say. I don't even know if I have an opinion on the matter. My interests disappear, nothing keeps my attention - I don't read books, I don't listen to music, I don't watch any movies anymore. I find no reason or motivation to do so. I'm not interested in what's going on around me and I often ask myself questions like "does this make sense" and I make the mistake of answering "no". I deliberately refuse to do homework, at school and outside, and I can't understand why I do it, but on purpose. I just say "I can't, I don't want to" and give up everything. I'm also afraid of that I am losing my character and everything and that I am losing myself as a person who had some potential for development some time ago ... Am I erasing myself? Several times I tried to tell my mother about these anxious and depressed states I was in, but she thought I was pretending and didn't want to listen to me. In reality, no one to whom I have told that I am not well emotionally takes me seriously ... I can't go to a psychologist for these things mainly because I don't have such an opportunity, but I'm not sure that it would be useful for me. . I reread all this and I have no desire to edit it .. I realize how ridiculous and pathetic it sounds, but I really don't know what to do. I'm just so desperate and I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I'm punishing myself this way, isolating myself from everything and everyone. I'm writing here and I hope someone