Lack Of Experience And Avoidance

Hello! I am a 20-year-old girl and I would like to share my problem, get some other advice and find out what the opinion of others is, because I could not trust my friends with that; I am aware of the fact that they are prone to subjectivization, and I am looking for objectivity. I've been feeling a kind of emptiness for a while. In my life, after many years of fighting, severe family problems and daily harassment, there has been some peace. Everything seems to be fine - I have my own place, excellent success at university, I am healthy, I am surrounded by a few good friends who are enough for me. But ... I have no Love in my life. I don't know what that is. And I want ... I want it to be mutual, to be in a relationship, but ... no matter how hard I try, I get the same in return. I've had two relationships in my life, but they were childhood experiences. In eighth grade, I spent four months with a boy who turned out to be gay.

This hurt me a lot ... after a while, after we finished, he admitted and it was obvious that he used me as a cover in front of his parents and friends. He cheated on me with boys all the time. For a long time I could not shake off this unpleasant experience, I was in pain, I blamed myself, I could not tie anything else. In 12th grade I was with another boy for 2 months. It didn't work out for him, as he was visibly suffering for his ex-girlfriend, with whom he had recently separated after a 3-year relationship. He just ... used me as an ointment for the wound and at the same time treated my personality as nothing, - he insulted me for being a "quiet moron who speaks like a slow-moving person"; that I'm "another blood like everyone else, just pretending, that it is not". I was his porter - I brought him shopping bags, I was like a maid.

This could not go on like this ... after another of his aggressive outbursts, I left him. The truth is that ... then I took 4-5 months off to shake off the unpleasant coincidence. During those months, he found ways to contact me and harass me online, from reports that I was "ugly and no one would want me anymore" to perverted photos while I was out. Yes, that's right ... I had the feeling that he was a psychopath and was stalking me - he was sending me pictures of where he had seen me "allegedly by accident". These things happened about 3-4 times while I blocked each of his new accounts. In the end, fortunately, he simply gave up and stopped, seeing that he would not receive a real answer. But I was no longer emotional. I wasn't looking for anyone. More time passed and I began to hope again ... to meet people, to go out. I even went out on a date with three people after him for the last year. But now obviously my problem is different. The first meeting passes, the second meeting passes. It comes to talking about experience, what connections I've had, what happened, etc.

Normal things, though, and that's important in some cases, I admit. I do not hide that I have almost no experience and I am honest. In reality, I even (probably sounds funny and tragic at the same time) have never done s * x. And ... when all these things become clear, the meetings with me, the visions, just end. Their interest disappears. One says he doesn't want to "break" me and hurt me because I was too good, another probably thinks (without letting his thoughts out) that I'm going to cling to him suffocatingly (because isn't it, this is the idea of ​​inexperienced girls ), and the third man (a very recent case from yesterday) said that it would be difficult for him to be with me because I was inexperienced and had no idea what love was, it had never been in my life and it was a red flag for him. I was not familiar.

The bad thing is that I've been dating this person for 3 months now, I don't have a relationship with him, we just see each other and talk and ... I seem to fall in love. Emotionally, I feel very, very close to him, and that's really important to me. I had hope. Any. In yourself. But he just grabbed her from me and somehow stepped on her. Now I'm quite disappointed, sad and ... I said to myself that I've been here with the experiments. Somehow ... I can't anymore because I'm just hurting myself and starting to feel ashamed of myself. That I have almost spent my years in aimless accumulation of certificates and awards instead of gaining experience in other areas and spheres. I'm even ashamed of being a virgin now; I feel marked; as if everyone sees it and is disgusted and repulsed by it. As if nothing else related to me matters. I don't know what to do ... Is this normal?