It's All My Fault, But I Love It.

I am a 17-year-old girl (almost 18) and I am very confused. I don't know what to do anymore It all started 3 years ago .... It was a week before my birthday. P and I became boyfriends. We were 8th grade. We have known each other for 4 months. We became good friends first. He had a girlfriend. They broke up and this girl told me their whole story. I will not tell it to you because our stories with him are the same. Because I knew her but I wasn't with her, I didn't believe her because P seemed like a decent guy to me, and he told me bad things about her. So let's jump a little back in time when we became boyfriends. It was in front of my block and I was very happy then. Ours are a little strict and barely approved. Well, my father was easy, but my mother still doesn't like him, but he pretends and is obvious. The first week was wonderful, but on my birthday we had an argument for the first time. I talked to the boys about normal things as friends, but he took it wrong. We quarreled a lot. Basically, I would celebrate Saturday because we were at school that day, but I gave up. After this argument, I felt guilty and apologized to him for a whole month. You can judge me, no matter that this was the first relationship in my life and I was inexperienced. Although we had been arguing for a whole month in the second week in front of people, he grabbed me by the buttocks and kissed me. After this month, he asked me to be like before and not to screw things up. That's why I ended my friendship with the boys. Everything was more or less good, we had arguments and I was still to blame, but I apologized. The summer, however, was terrible. In this heat, how can a person not wear shorts, and I did not wear so short that my buttocks can be seen. And if I'm going to wear shorts, it's going to be once a year, however, we quarreled with him about that and he was angry with me for 2 weeks. After 1 year I was already 16. We had arguments again and I was guilty again, but this time something terrible happened. A boy, probably a stranger, probably new to the city, had asked me about the hospital. I was about to tell him, but R decided to flirt with me, which was not the case. The man apologized to him, but it wasn't my boyfriend who decided to beat him. I apologized to the boy, but then when we went to P he scolded me and I scolded him and then something happened that I did not expect from him ... He hit me and said "I'm tired of you and your mistakes! " and then we quarreled terribly and broke up. I did not stop crying for 2 months. I was depressed. And not only because of that, but also because of ours because they were divorcing. When I called R to tell him I wanted to talk, a girl picked me up and said she was his cousin. I went to them and when P opened it I was shocked. I didn't know why. And that girl was really his cousin, but there was another girl in his room. His cousin came and told me, "Are you his ex? If I'm sorry. My stupid cousin is like that." and I told her, "I missed him, but apparently he didn't miss me." she hugged me and then sent me away. I was a naive fool, and a week later I believed his crocodile tears and his lie, "I wouldn't be on my own without you." and after we got together everything happened again, but this time worse. R cheated on me, but we got together again because I thought it was because of me. Because I wasn't ready, although at 16 it's normal to lose your virginity these days. And it was my first time. I thought I was ready then, but now I realize I just wanted to make him happy. Almost 2 years later, I realize that relationships don't work that way, but I can't dump him either. Love it. It may not be good, but we have our kind of love.