Someone in life just has to move on. There is too much pain between you to be together and too much love to be just friends. Collect your will and remove all contacts, links, emails that are related to it. Nothing good will come of anything good from further contact with her.
Grandpa The Boogeyman
I lost half an hour to read you. Well, you're just not well mentally. That's where you need to start if you want something specific to happen to you. And then explain your love positions. you two individually need to decide for yourself what you want, not some side, pa though mistress, to tell you what is going on.
You've got him mixed up! There wasn't a little femininity in the whole story! Erase it in your mind and move on! Success.
Why do you even want to "solve the puzzle"? This whole thing is toxic, haven't you figured it out for so long? As I read, all the time I felt like you were both very confused, your life was without direction, and I always follow one rule - to be with people who pull me up and build something together. Not the other way around. In my opinion, ditch this relationship (if it can be called that). She hasn't brought you anything good so far, she's not going to bring you, believe me.
1 pink_lotus23 answered