Hello. I don't know where to start ... I'm so confused. I will probably shock you with my confessions. Don't attack me if you like. My story is long, I try to rearrange my thoughts. If it is possible for a psychiatrist or psychologist to write, I would be extremely grateful. I am a girl of 26, from the capital, I have friends, education, talent, I am beautiful, smart, and ... that's it. I visited many specialists for my problem, but they prescribed me pills, de facto, no real help. They gave me different diagnoses. Personally, I think I'm either mentally retarded, or autistic, or schizophrenic, or psychopathic, or cyclophrenic. I knew from a young age that I was different, that I was crazy, strange, that I was asexual, and I would suffer terribly. I knew I was a pathology, an evil, a selfish, a monster. I hit different people. I even hit my grandmother once. After all, my upbringing was like this - to protect me, to pamper me, and I grew up a potted girl, a lizard, a freak. I maimed my brother. I disabled my other brother. The important thing is that they are both happy now, with children, with work. But I can't forgive myself. It's even harder for me to swallow that they forgave me, that our people didn't tell me anything, and that everything happened - notice - without WANTING. I was an outsider at school, no friends, they beat me. I was too lazy to study. I was lazy, ready. No commitments. Ours did everything. Even now I live with them. I graduated by force, I am unemployed, I have never worked. Ours were constantly fighting. Stinginess, bans on going out, manipulations, insults. I have sick people and criminals in my family, so I may have taken the genes from them, I know. I had no goals or ambitions. I was locked in a room for 15 years. I voluntarily squandered my youth. I didn't have boyfriends. I looked bad in photos. I deleted all my photos. I haven't traveled anywhere. I don't know the world, people, I'm two years old. I used to be emotional and sensitive, now I am devoid of emotions and scruples. If a person falls next to me, I will not react. I break, ruin, tear everything. I didn't listen to or watch music and movies like the others. I was not like them. They do not develop normally. I didn't feel like a girl, I felt like a man. They identify with various male characters from movies. I am very manipulable. Whatever they tell me, I do. Oh, they laugh at me everywhere. I don't go shopping, our people buy me everything. Girl things don't excite me. I can't do anything. Literally! I'm full of garbage. I feel like I'm asleep, and I wake up at 25, I literally don't remember my life. I haven't given anything to anyone, someone else is always fixing me. Full pussy, plasmodium, pathetic. Antisocial. It's bullshit. Spitting. I have a dead look. I don't listen and I don't watch music and movies like the others. I intertwine my legs. I was killed. Evil. I wake up in the morning with malice. Maybe it's a neurological disease? I don't know languages, how to work with a computer, I haven't had fun, I have a social phobia. I'm talking to myself. I act like a beast, like an animal. I tremble like a worm. I have the feeling that someone is controlling me. I have phobias, insomnia, mania, hysteria, panic attacks, aggression, depression and paranoia. I live in my own fictional world, as a child I even had friends. Schizophrenia? I killed my father, squeezed him, spent money. He's sick, but I still had this one. And I grimaced, gritted my teeth. I scream at home all day. I think electronics is to blame for everything, even social phobia. 16 years in front of a laptop is not small at all! Others my age already have children. And I get lost even on my own street. I walk like a bum. Dementia? I also have OCD. I wash my hands all day, I pick my fingers, I even deformed them. I do strange things. I'm in the bathroom all day, finishing two soaps and two rolls of paper. Masturbating in public. I'm soulless, I'm just fighting. I spent 15 years in the toilet, literally. And everyone was telling me the truth - that I was evil, crazy, weak-minded, irresponsible, prepared, why was I born, and I was angry with them! Don't worry about clothes, nothing. When it came to the toilet, I literally sat there for days. I was clogging toilets or stirring inside to ... well, you remember. I thought of something more than the others. Why ??? The worst thing is that I pushed people away. That I have never loved, and will not be loved, to have a husband, etc .. I did not fall in love, I was not given flowers. I am a virgin. I haven't kissed like even 12-year-olds do. This weighs so much on me! And another thing - I have an empty, scary look, and that's what they told me. Once a doctor. And a man on the train told me I was crazy because of the staggering gait, I literally couldn't stand up. Mn. I'm sleepy. And yesterday a friend planted it again. I'm afraid to look in the mirror. My eyes are like those of a Texas Face Massacre. On top of that, I feel old. I have never smiled, I have wrinkles, belly, shadows. I see how others live, and I? Do you think I'm old? I couldn't wear jeans, clothes. I was getting current. On @ 2 I was excited about politics,. and not by Britney, for example. I'm afraid of women. I agree with everything, I can be both a whistleblower and an adjuster. It's hard for me to walk, to contract my leg muscles. People, even animals, look at me with wonder, disgust or ridicule. 5th grade I shaved my head, sixth grade I decided that I was Zoro, Vinetu, that I live in a bygone era. I don't love myself, I lack basic self-esteem. My gaze is fixed, I stare, I don't listen to what I'm being told. At school I did not understand the material, I did not even study the table. Everyone outside is making fun of me. I can't even enjoy it, and my dreams are like nightmares. I find it difficult to write, I feel tension, the veins on my face and body swell, I think of something under the others. I constantly feel like going for a short time, I'm worried. I feel like I have a brain tumor. I have no will, nothing. The sounds scare me. I stand for months and look at one point. I can't move. What do you think is wrong with me? Sorry for the unrelated thoughts. First, I write from the phone, and second, I got a little drunk. Is it right to live? And can something be done for me? Is it possible for a being like me to be born? And for someone to waste their life like that? Between the laptop, the bed, and the toilet? If possible, the admin should correct my text that it is going awry.
1 prettysammynmia answered
This is already a total fabrication, you contradict yourself many times. You can't work with a computer, but you do it, you don't go out, and people tell you what .... I would recommend you to write a book, you become a horror screenwriter haha! Let it shine on you, mentally ill people do not have such thinking, nor do they think they are like that. The animals looked at you with disgust, hah, seriously?