I am looking for the meaning of my life. I am 14 years old, I will soon be 15. I am really deluded. I try to get on my feet, I try to recover, but I can't. As a child I was a very good and obedient child, an excellent student, I managed, quiet and calm. People underestimated me and I was really sick of it. At the end of 5th grade, I liked a boy - you know, "the first thrill", purely childish sympathy, but he did not share the same feelings and I was very hurt by what he told me and did then. I was a child seeking solace. He liked "bad girls" and I tried to imitate them. Two years until the seventh grade I changed a lot - I changed my style of dress, I started to put on make-up, to behave more freely, I stopped caring about many things. I barely managed to maintain my success at school and entered one of the most elite high schools in my city. But after I went in there I got together with very bad company and it ruined me. I started smoking, taking drugs, drinking. I was confused for a long time. While hanging out with these people, I totally ruined my success and he went from full sixes to pair after pair. I disappointed my parents and the people I loved, I disappointed and misled myself. When I stopped communicating with these people, I decided to change completely (again). I stopped smoking for 3 months, I wanted to purify myself completely. I tried to increase my success to at least 4, but I didn't succeed. After the second term, I had promised to tighten up, and what had happened was over. During these 3 months, many people started attacking me because of my appearance. And that was the main struggle for me. But I succeeded, I stopped being excited by other people's opinions and now I'm fine. At the moment everything has gone down again - I started smoking and drinking again, as I had made up for my success, he went down and down. I'm thinking of stopping, "bad habits" again, and this time it will be forever. I want to increase my success in school and become a new person, I want to change, I want it a lot. I stopped dealing with boys and nonsense, I stopped wasting my time. I wonder which way to take, I wonder what to do. I sincerely ask if anyone can help me write to me