In Love With A 20 Year Older Friend For A Sect

I don't know how you got here. I am a 19 year old girl. I fell in love with a man 20 years older. We met quite by accident and as soon as I saw him I felt the attraction to him. The truth is, I'm afraid to let anyone in. I'm afraid of relationships, of intimacy. Maybe this is due to the fact that my father is an alcoholic and I have never had a strong male figure in my life. I am aware that I cannot wash my hands of this fact and blame the circumstances, I just had to grow up very quickly. I have always been more closed, thinking, analyzing. At the same time, I am disobedient, meticulous and painfully sensitive. For as long as I can remember, I have a certain 'ideal' for the man I follow and look for. Well, this man is the complete opposite of everything I ever thought I wanted. The man in question and I became friends for sex. He is also a loner, strange person. He was my first. I tried twice to separate from him, but the passion I feel grows stronger every day. I feel weak, trying to keep the walls around me high. I didn't want to fall in love, it happened without even realizing how. I backed away, we didn't hear from each other for a month, I didn't respond to his messages. I am aware that the problem is in me. I'm flawed - I can't fall in love with a man my age. Out of frivolous passion, this man became my breath. I dream of it every day of God. Everyone. I keep thinking about him. I know I'll screw things up if I reveal my soul to him. I also don't want to end our relationship for sex. I am so confused. I am writing here because I want someone else's point of view, someone to look at the situation as a bystander. What to do? I don't think I have a chance at any serious relationship with him, but I feel more and more attracted with each passing day .. Any opinion will be useful to me. Thanks everyone, in advance !! Love !!