I'm Just Not Well

When God created me, it was Friday at five past five and he forgot to put a small particle, which was obviously very important. People's opinion has always been important to me and I have always tried to live by the norms - to do what is expected of me, not to embarrass myself and my family, to be a good boy. I tried my best to build a good image, constantly filled with worries, fears, my demons hovering around me, which gradually ate me from within. I'm a good man now, at least I've made the facade look good. It's empty inside. Everything I experienced, people I met, they took away from me, and they gave me so little. A little, I need so little to be well, a little warmth, a little compassion. I had promised myself that if a woman gave me a hand, I would stay with her and support her forever. I am a liar and a fool. When it happened to me, I acted like a coward, I couldn't handle it and I failed, but maybe that's better for her. I continued, but got nowhere. Over time, I began to isolate myself from people, from the world, from everything. The less you communicate, the less likely you are to be hurt. Clear, simple, clean, at least that's what you think. Nothing is so simple. Gradually I stopped being interested in what was happening in the world - I don't read or watch news, they just didn't matter anymore. The less I was interested, I shared, the more people's opinion began to become less important, which was good. But their opinion became unimportant, and then they didn't matter anymore. It was like rubbing with an eraser, but instead of a sheet, I rubbed myself, what made me human. How am I at the moment - a neighbor died - I was not surprised, I did not feel sorry, nothing. When my mother said she expected me to moan and moan, but I didn't feel anything and I couldn't even hide, I just said that I felt more worried about my dog, which was sick, than about the dead woman. I told the truth, I didn't even have the strength to lie like people. It's getting harder and harder for me to hide what I've become, it's getting harder and harder for me to play my part as a person. The truth is that I hate people for what they have done to me and for what I have done as part of them. I hate them because they are greedy, selfish, I hate them because they have what I don't have and with such a light hand they throw it in the dust, and then they find it again - love. That's why I hate them, they find her, over and over again, and I keep failing. Your happiness makes me hate you, and I don't want to be like that, but I'm just missing something, a piece, which just doesn't allow me to deal with life as a normal person. I apologize for what was written to those who read it, but I just had to write it. Why I wrote it and I can't answer myself.