Hello! I am a 15-year-old girl. I have had a problem for a long time, I shared with friends, I talked to my philosophy teacher, I rummaged through the internet too and finally decided to share my problem with you if you can give me advice or help me. So my problem is the following: my friend and I have been together since July 21, 2019. In the summer, everything was okay. We went out every day, sat outside, went to the movies, to coffee, to the malls, sometimes at home, we watched movies and hugged. Everything has gone terribly bad since we started school. Because we are in the same class and sitting next to each other, we constantly spend time together even after school. We had a group of 5 people, but they have already become 4 (if I count me) because he decided that they are no longer his friends. I fixed my relationship with them and now we're okay. So my main problem is this ... I'm gay. I prefer the company of girls and I like girls. Shortly before we met my boyfriend, I broke up with my ex, which was a very selfish act on my part. So let me take you back to the beginning. Ever since I finished 7th grade and moved to high school, I have met this very girl. I started to feel some sympathy for her because she was super nice to me, I went home with her every day, I even sent her all the way to them in front of her block. We wrote to each other constantly, every night. I started waiting for her every morning at the bus stop to go to school together. He was constantly attacking me on the back, hugging me across the waist, picking my nose with a finger or her nose. Because I have been depressed for years and the fact that I couldn't tell her tormented me for several months (5-6 months). Every day after school, when I took the bus home, I couldn't stop thinking about her and how to tell her that I liked her because I was afraid she would reject me. I came home every day and sat awake for no time as he was called and overthought because I couldn't sleep. And the funny thing is that I was heterosexual then, say, it awakened homosexuality in me. When he met a friend of mine on the Internet, they started chatting, liking each other, they literally kept writing to each other even in class, and one night at 1:00 in the morning she wrote to me that she had confessed to my friend on the Internet, that he likes her, and that they have come together. I roared so much then. But 2 weeks later, after they got together, there was a moment when I sent her to them again. We sat on a bench in front of the block and I admitted that I like a girl. I told her that this girl was from our class and she started listing all the girls in the class until she came to her senses. I told her what if this girl is you. She was something of the sort of wait what ?? Wait, do you like me ?? I answered yes. She cried, cried so much as I told her what had happened to me during those months and what had happened to me that night when she told me that she had reunited with my friend on the Internet. She said she needed time to think about everything I told her. Accordingly, I gave her this time, but she broke up with my girlfriend the same day and 2 days later we met. I was the happiest person in the world. Things were going well, we kissed for the first time, it took us 2 months because we were both worried if we would like each other. I was her first, and she was my first girlfriend. Before we met her, the boy who is my friend now told me that he liked me and I liked him a little then, but it wasn't that much. Things were okay with her. We were together for 6 months. Every month we did we gave each other presents and went somewhere to celebrate the gathering together. I paid more attention to the boy because it hurt to watch him try to watch me with her. The girl understood me accordingly, it hurt her too, because she was dying for my attention, but she was okay with things.
But the time came after we finished 8th grade, she went to sea, and I, as always, stayed at home and did nothing. I had a period when I was very depressed. I spent all day at home watching movies and not communicating with anyone. One day we wrote to each other and she started calling me on chat. Accordingly, I felt sick and light, and angry. The problem was, he didn't understand me. I had an awful lot of problems with my old school friends with my family, and so on. While this boy understood what was wrong with me because he had a very difficult past. And that's how it happened that we broke up with her, we saw each other, I said so and so, I need a break, we have to break up. He hugged me so tight. He couldn't let me go and he didn't want to let me go. He cried so much that he wet my sweatshirt. That was the end of our relationship. 4 days later I saw the boy and he kissed me. I told him we needed to talk about it because we couldn't ignore him. We decided to get together, and I told him I needed a break. He didn't give it to me. And here's how we got here again, with going out, the coffees and how everything went terribly bad since we started school. And here is the problem that bothers me the most. He keeps telling me how he wants us to be together forever, he never wants to leave me. How I was the only person left in his life, how he loved me more than anything, etc. It may sound quite childish and fictional, but it is his words. I had a period where I cried all the time because I still felt guilty for crying, for being sad and whatnot. There was no night to go home and everything was okay. He is constantly angry about small things, such as: why didn't I call him? why didn't I pick up his phone? why didn't I reply to his messages, etc? When I tell him that I feel sleepy and want to go to bed, he holds me on the phone and starts talking to me, watch now how you leave me, he doesn't talk to me anymore, he even gave me a certain amount of time, if not answer or not do something, he will never speak to me again and look at me. This happens quite often. I talked to my friends (the group) and everyone told me, it's terribly toxic and harmful to you. Better break. He kept telling me that he wanted us to be together and that he would never hurt me, I asked him then why you were constantly hurting me and making me feel guilty and crying. He said nothing, just fell silent. The other is that about 2 weeks ago I thought I was bisexual, but it turned out I was gay. We saw each other, we talked, I told him I was like that and he said I don't care I want to be with you, I love you the way you are, and I don't care if I deprive myself of not having sexual contact with you, even though I want to. etc. And if he wants to get rid of it, I don't want to get rid of feeling like I'm with a girl again (it may sound a little selfish, but ...). I tried to break up with him in some way. but he just cried in front of me and my soul wouldn't let me do it. The point is that at the moment I want to be alone, not bound to have no love drama, etc., but he says he can't give me this break, and if he can't give it to me it's better to we split up, but I have no idea how to tell him because he'll probably cry in front of me again. And not only that, our relationship is not okay anymore, as I told you it is toxic, if you think so, say so. And if I'm going to be in a relationship again, I'd rather be with a girl than a boy. I don't think we can be together if we don't attract each other. I do not feel a sexual or intimate desire for him. There are many more details that I did not share because it would make the text even longer. Please give me advice on how to proceed.