I'm not even sure I want this to get on the internet, but anyway. If anyone still bothers to read it, I'll be grateful. So, I have no particular desire for life, so to speak. I want to change. I'm almost always dumb, I have no desire for anything, the motivation is 0.
At the same time, I think about how I want to achieve some things, but I don't get close to them at all and that makes me feel even duller. For example, I want a grade in school because I will get a grade at the end of the year. And that should be enough to motivate me because I basically really want this thing and it will help me feel happier somehow. At least it will make me break away from the world of the internet, at least for a while, which is nice! However !?
No desire to lie over the textbooks. Another example: I don't like my body. I try to go to the gym a few times, but I don't ... I go for a month or two and suddenly I decide I don't feel like going. And everything is repeated again and again and again and can be repeated indefinitely. I know that I will see results quite quickly and then I will enjoy it, but at the same time, I feel as if it is another obligation and I have to do it by force. I don't have many friends, I'm shy, and there are people I would make friends with.
I behave very differently in front of my loved ones and I just can't relax in front of other people. That bothers me. A person who hasn't met me changes his opinion a lot when we become close. I also don't have self-confidence and I don't look the way I would like to look. And to repeat to me all day "you are very beautiful", nothing changes. And some of my friends aren't always interested in what I have to say, feel, etc. And there's a boy ... I didn't want to be friends with anyone else so much. It's different. It has a separate story, but if I start telling it all, it will take so long ... it doesn't matter. In short: she's from the other class, we talked a few times (it was pretty good when we met. I was with a friend. She should behave the same because she doesn't know one more than the other or something. He stared at me all the time, even when my friend was saying something, she didn't pay much attention to her presence. The three of us had to get from one place to another. He was waiting for me, walking to me, talking, and not even looking at her. Then another teenager appeared, but he didn't reflect him either.
As if it was most convenient for him to talk only to me? In general, he treats me differently. I note that he is constantly sitting on the phone or with friends in the room, and even if I want to case in which to talk to him) My friend wanted to bring us closer and because they travel together to school, she sometimes went to talk to him. But you know, sometimes there are some illusions and you think one thing, and it's quite another. I very much (not to mention at all, ignoring the fact that when I pass in front of his room I always look there - to him, and his friends see this) do not show that I like him. We both have the feeling that he thinks she likes him, which is not the case. He began to avoid her. I even wrote him a valentine. At most he thought it was from her. From time to time I hear some replicas from his friends. So ... we just can't talk. Not that we know each other who knows how much, but I think we think in a similar way and we would like each other if we talked more. Another thing is that I am constantly annoyed at the slightest and when I start to get annoyed because I am super nervous sometimes, there is no stopping. There is no reason to be so annoyed by things that are normal. This leads to "scandals" with my mother and father. I think there was something else I wanted to share, but I can't remember exactly what it was ... On the other hand, I have anxious thoughts that bother me.
They came out of nowhere and are in my head every day. They no longer bring me to a state where I just roar and feel a terrible feeling that I can't describe very accurately. I also came up with the idea that if, for example, I don't touch what you are, what you are will happen. And it just annoys me ... At least I'm glad it's not so much anymore. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but they didn't help much. They just told me about some antidepressants I didn't want to take and I was trying to fix my condition with homeopathic pills. Another issue is that I constantly vomit for no reason ... I don't know what to do with my life in general. I know what I want to achieve/do/get in the coming months, but somehow things do not go exactly in that direction. I would be much happier. I apologize for taking so long if anyone is at all interested in reading it. I am writing here for the first time.
I didn't think I would end up telling my life story anonymously in a forum (which I guess there's nothing wrong with that) and I don't know what to expect.