Hello, 4 years ago, back in high school, I fell in love with a girl in my class who is very beautiful and intelligent. Everything had developed in the 12th grade, I was 18 and she was 19 ... I had said that I loved her, but because I didn't know her well enough, and this love was impulsive, sudden! Well, this girl refused me for a number of reasons, then she had a friend with whom she had been dating for 2 years, and I was not convincing enough to be able to get her away from him. To top it off, one of my classmates also expressed a desire to be with her, and when she realized that there was a conflict of interest between me and my classmate, she further reduced her trust in me. What was worse was that I knew she didn't love me and that she might never be interested in me. Months passed, I harassed her with my constant presence. And one day, when it was all over, I didn't know if I would see her again, because that's when she was going abroad. That very day, I could not accept the fact that I would lose her. I was screaming, we were still friends on Facebook and I don't know why I decided that it would be useful to break off any relationship with her so that I wouldn't suffer anymore. Because I was jealous of her then, a hell of a lot, and I doubted she had hidden feelings for my best friend. I decided to send her a message with disgusting content and accusations that she was in love with my best friend. In my fear and rage, (I don't know where my squeaking mind came from ...) ...., but I told her that I had mental disorders, it was a very stupid lie. Of course she cut me off ... and after deleting me from Facebook, she added my best friend. I don't know if they had sex, but I trusted to my friend from childhood and to this day I communicate with him, although he constantly kept me informed of the news about her. It was the darkest day of my life! A problem between us was solved after 3, 5 years thanks to the fact that I took the initiative to look for it. I apologized and we duly passed each other on the streets these days and talked, but the same evening after I saw her to reconcile, I received an SMS from an unknown number who had been looking for me. You write that she wanted to hear me, but she pressed herself ... she had feelings for me and that she will contact me via Skype soon, but she didn't feel ready yet. I thought it was the same girl I saw 4 hours ago, but in the end she denied sending it ..., I assumed it was a joke, because I had shared it with another girl, 2 hours before I received the SMS but the problem is that I still have doubts and I really don't know which of the 2 may have sent it. I just stopped doing it ... In the end, this girl I love, she gave me clear answers, such as that she wants certain boundaries to be met, that she chose her partner, and if she wanted me, we would have been together a lot. long ago. She asked me several times for what purpose I decided to look for her, but I only told her that I missed her the next few times, I just didn't know what to tell her ... Recently I had an argument with 2 of my acquaintances, because of one stupidity and problems occurred I lost the trust of people I knew recently, but I loved and respected them to some extent and with whom I was close. For now I communicate with a few friends, but they are not from my environment, so far I have not gone out with them for a beer or something like that ... I haven't been out with friends for a long time, I study, I do some work, and I come home as pets. At least I'm trying to make contact with a girl because I've never been in a relationship with a girl. For a long time, I feel lonely, I am alone, I don't have a brother, a sister, only a cousin who is like a sister to me, but she is abroad. These days I had gone out on a nice sunny day to run, and there I saw her, the girl I wanted, she also noticed me from afar, but I didn't pay attention to her because I just had the feeling that my very presence was bothering her right now. I kept running, and as I ran around her from a distance, I watched her cheerful, calm, playing volleyball with her boyfriend and a few friends. Suddenly I was tired of running, and I just kept walking, I suddenly noticed how she and her friends headed for my trajectory, raising their voices to see perhaps a reaction, but since I was relatively far from them, I was not tempted to look at her, and simply passed them and ran again. I didn't understand why they decided to go right in front of me! These days I have various ideas in my head whether to ask her to enter her environment after I lost mine, in principle she is a nice girl and if you sit down and talk to her, she would help you, and she has a sister who she also has a nice appearance and she offered it to me years ago, but I refused the offer, then I was very much in love and I wanted her ... but now that I know that she doesn't care about me, and that she doesn't care about me love, I'm worried about sounding ridiculous, after all, and humiliating myself. it would be easy to solve my problem with a Yes or No, but I don't know if when I enter her company she doesn't start manipulating me in a feminine way, and just become a person without self-confidence ... and after I make friends with her I don't miss the opportunity for something more serious. I don't know, this move sounds a bit absurd to me, but I will be interested in its echo. We agreed with her to share various things related to our desires, character and principles ... so that we could get to know each other more easily. So far, I've learned 2 basic things about her. That, she doesn't love me and that if feelings or a desire for intimacy arise she will tell me directly face to face. For now I have no motivation, goals or a girlfriend or people that I miss, so these days I showed creativity and decided to start preparing to go to study abroad, today I found good offers for my realization in the future ... I think that if I went to live somewhere else, maybe things would work out somehow, but of course, it's still early and there's no guarantee. My cousin constantly tells me that if I get involved in this activity abroad, I may finally, when I turn 25, find out that I have not achieved anything personally so far. I don't know, I only know that at the moment I want to start something big, because it just makes me not think about the girl I love and the problems I have!