I Love It, But It's Hard For Me With It!

I am 21 years old and my friend is 25. I will call him N. We have been together for almost a year, but still strangers. The reason is that we have seen each other a few times because we are from different cities. I have no problem with that, I love it and I'm waiting for it. In the beginning he was a wonderful interlocutor, open to communication and communication. Maybe because he was casual, with no commitment to me. He was disappointed with his last relationship, which ended because of infidelity on the part of the girl (the relationship lasted quite a while - 5 years), and I ended my previous relationship, because of him. And so ... people with different destinies found themselves together. I realized that writing with N. while I was engaged could not lead to a good ending. I even tried to stop. Every day, however, I needed him. My ex was obsessed with me. The only solution was to cheat on him with N., to leave me. A difficult separation followed. He blamed himself and exonerated me. He even mentioned that he would forgive me just to be together. I didn't want to ruin him anymore and make him humiliate himself. I probably had a cold a long time ago, I didn't even flinch at his emotional state. I started a relationship with N. The beginning of this year. He was doing well, calmly. I am currently studying, 2nd year, psychology, full-time education. To be together, one had to compromise and move to the other. Given my training, I couldn't move in with him ... otherwise I would. Before the summer, we discussed that he would come to me while I was graduating. N. went to work at the sea and because I didn't just want him to pay for the accommodation, as we live together, I found a job ... there, at the sea. I had an incentive that was enough for me. But we were in different cities again, mainly because of me. My notorious prejudices ... I don't know what makes me think that working together in the same place is depressing. I live with the idea that everyone should have their own environment. Your working hours and responsibilities. He accuses me to this day ... and rightly so. During this time we saw each other twice, we had no days off. And I didn't make any money. They didn't pay me in the end. As a cover, he also refused to come to me. So far we have not had any argument, I did not know how to react. Maybe this is the time to say something about N., about his life. He is adopted. His explanation was that he did not want to leave his parents alone. Understandable. The illogical thing that made me doubt his love was that he lived with his ex in another city. I asked myself, "Why didn't you want to come with me?" In the name of moving forward, I resigned myself. I don't know how I swallowed, anyway, your huge ego, something I was unfamiliar with before. I grew up, or I really fell in love, I can't determine. N. is secretive, covert, unable to share how he feels. He never apologizes, but what's left to look for me first. I tried all sorts of approaches to get to know his world, but to no avail. This good interlocutor, whom I met, became a nervous, closed person ... and maybe he always was. In short, I was saving everything he didn't like. In the moments when he decided to share something with me, I was responsible for his actions. His parents believe that when he goes to live in another city, he goes to look for his biological ones. This is my answer, why did the ajeba give up our cohabitation. To me, he is an extremely admirable man. When you find out at age 14, from hidden documents in a locker ... that you're adopted, you must have such childish wisdom and reason as his to be silent. To my question "Why didn't you ever mention to your parents that you knew?", He answered me in the same wise way "-Because I wouldn't have the childhood I had." Subsequently, they learned from a third person. I respect that they raised him, but not that they did not predispose him to share his worries. It's hard for me. It's tiring that I'm the initiator of our relationship. Let me look for him, let me call him, make him talk, see me. There is no other, I'm sure. A woman always "smells" when she has another woman. Are you manipulating me? I want to find a way to understand it, to find the right path to it. I'm becoming obsessed with him. Happiness, respect, attention are always sought at the beginning. And worst of all, that we find it in one person. Bad, because in a serious relationship, unhappiness is more than happiness. That's why it's serious - because misfortunes can't stop you. It is bad because respect is not only on the edge at times, but also lacking. And the attention ... will never be the same as on the first day. I know it in theory, but why am I in opposition in practice? I suppress anger, nerves, anger even .. My perverted brain, however, seems to be unable to sleep peacefully if we do not have periodically one whole night .. in roar, rage, divisions - mixed feelings. Finally, let's move on ... I don't even know what advice to ask for. I wanted to share, to arrange the superlatives, the shortcomings ... I asked myself what I like about it? ... and contrary to my feelings, I couldn't give myself a serious answer. All I know is that I don't want to lose him. I even offered him to write on a piece of paper the things he wanted to do and do for him. I promised to fulfill them point by point. Aren't you ready for anything for your love? I study psychology, I would give an objective opinion, advice and solution to everyone else. But to myself ... how to give myself an answer in what way to make it reveal itself, because only in this way can I get closer to its essence. He looks like a cold man, icy inside, rarely smiles and makes you tingle when he does. He thinks he will be left alone and no one will want him. He thinks that his life is over and it's too late to enroll in university, time was running out, and he didn't have a serious relationship when he would start a family. These are a small part of the negative thoughts that ruin him. I try to encourage him and charge him with life, although I also need a charge. I will not leave him alone, I want to prove it to him, but I don't know how and with what ... If you have suggestions, I'm ready to accept ideas. I'm sorry, if the story turns out to be confused, I tried to express myself as clearly as possible. Greetings to all!