Hi, I'm a girl of 21, but unfortunately, I'm still a virgin. I'm not a mouse, but I look relatively good. I have never lacked attention, only that I grew up in a very problematic family and when I say quite problematic, I really mean a lot. My mother has always been very strange and hurt me a lot, but she has also done a lot for me, for which I will always be grateful. I can write a whole book about my "father" and still not be able to describe all the horrors he caused me. He is the greatest curse of my life and I could never forget everything he did to me. You may not believe it, but it's all true and I want to see what you think. I haven't shared this with anyone, because I'm too ashamed ... From an early age, my so-called "father" beat me a lot and punished me for all sorts, invented by him, nonsense. I never made white and I didn't provoke him, but I always took it. I don't even remember some of the beatings because I was too young, but my mother told me. Besides, "my father" is a drunkard and when he got drunk, he did various defeats, and when he sobered up, he accused me and beatings and punishments followed ... It happened that he forced me to admit something I was not guilty of, in order to stop to beat me and so I confessed many things ... He never supported me for anything and always insulted me cruelly. He kept saying that I was useless, that I was rubbish, that he called me all sorts of insults. As a child, every day after school, as soon as I got home, insults, harassment, and fights began over his fabrications. I grew up without any love and without support. I never believed in myself and over time I learned to punish and insult myself. You'll probably say, "Tighten up, girl, it's all over," but it can't happen. My psyche is totally broken, I have no self-confidence and self-belief. I just don't have the foundations on which to build my new self. They were built in childhood, and mine was ruined too early. Believe me, such tyranny cannot be overcome. I have an awful lot of complexes and problems in communication. I don't have a boyfriend and I've never had one, I don't have any friends either. In fact, I only had one girlfriend who betrayed me many times and I no longer believe in friendships between women. "My father" also reproached my appearance, although I personally and other people have not seen any problems in these areas, but this also affected me negatively. At school, too, I always had problems with my classmates because I was modest and quiet, I didn't have the opportunity to dress fashionably and have the latest phone model. As I got older (about 14), my father started sexual harassment. He stripped naked in front of me, masturbated in front of me, touched me everywhere, of course, forcibly. He kept talking to me about sex. The fight continued, the insults ... I wanted to die, all this disgusted me, I saw neither a way out nor a future. Sometimes he even messed with my vagina, that was probably the most humiliating thing, there was nothing I could do and my mother was sitting and watching. In fact, she never did anything to save me from this bastard.
My hope was in her, but I was disappointed. It wasn't until I was 15 that she rented a very cheap apartment, because she was tired of all the problems with that garbage. He didn't treat her very well either, but not as brutally as he treated me. I left immediately, and she promised to come in a few days. Well, he didn't come. She said she forgot about her promise, although I can't imagine forgetting such a promise, but anyway ... She's, to some extent, also an accomplice to that bastard. For as long as I can remember, she had sex with him in front of me, and quite openly. This, too, has always been quite difficult and disgusting to me. I look at sex as something extremely shameful, animal, disgusting, I really can't describe it to you. I'm too disgusted and I don't know how I could be with anyone and tell them that. In fact, do I have to tell him? I am terribly afraid and at the same time ashamed of being close to a man. I have no idea how I will deal with this problem and whether I will be able to at all. I feel humiliated, dirty, I am totally devastated. I had once taken my father's wine so that I could get drunk and escape from reality for a while. It was my first binge, I drank a lot and then I fell asleep. When I woke up, my father told me I was ... remember. I will never forget that either. I don't believe it happened, because I should have woken up if there had been something like that, or there were traces ... I still have doubts to this day, and I can't forget his words. I still can't believe that such a big bastard is "my father". How the hell did I deserve it ??? When I lived in the apartment, I was not happy either. It was very miserable, there was moisture and ugliness that I was very afraid of. I was alone - that was the hardest part. Besides, I didn't have heating for the winter, just a "blower" stove that didn't heat that crib at all, but I am still grateful for that.
My mother paid for everything and I appreciated that. I also worked here - there in the black until I turned 18. At one time I was a waitress in a small tavern. There I met a man with whom I felt the chemistry as soon as we met. I later found out that he did too. We went out a few times, I immediately became very attached to him. Sex never came because I didn't want to, and I later learned that he had a wife and a small child. Our difference was 12 years. Contrary to my principles, I was not angry with him for hiding. I was already attached to him and I was afraid of losing him. I couldn't explain my feelings for him, but I definitely knew I wanted to see him, but I also knew I didn't want to be his mistress and break up his family. It seemed like a marriage to me, according to interests, I never understood, but still. Now I realize that I was looking for the father I never had. There was no sex, and he obviously wanted to. In the end, he dumped me just like that, without any explanation, without even a "goodbye". He stopped replying to my messages and didn't look for me again. I suffered a lot, cried and blamed myself for losing him, but that too passed with time, albeit slowly. I can't call my next "loves" loves, so they are in quotes. I liked secretly or already busy or living far away, with whom we just wrote to each other, but I was always very attached and after all I bathed in tears and self-pity. (The end came when I said I didn't want sex right away)
After a while I started dating a very nice boy, but I also hit a rock with him. When he was refused, he immediately refused. He quickly found another and forgot about me. I kept comparing myself to her and wondered what surpassed me. She was a little thinner than me, I wasn't fat, but I had to lose weight to get it back. At least that's what I thought then. I started frantic training and starvation. I lived to lose weight - literally. I was interested in nothing but losing weight and getting my boy back. As you may have guessed, I developed anorexia. I worked out in the gym for two hours every day, and until I did, I didn't stop, no matter how tired I was. I hardly ate, and even after a little eating, I felt terribly guilty and cried. I kept telling myself that I was weak, fat, without will. I was constantly thinking about my weight and cursing myself for being born. I drank all sorts of crap to lose weight - cinnamon, supplements, even vinegar. And regularly. I hated every part of my body, I hated training, I hated my life. I can hardly describe how I felt. The pain was unbearable, I swear. I have also thought many times about ending my life. My life was a life of force ... I once drank a whole bottle of vinegar, on vacation, of course. This was followed by brutal vomiting, and I promised myself never to do it again, but it soon got worse. I decided I wanted to die and stopped eating altogether. I lived on only one coffee a day and nothing else. So I spent about a month. The sight of others was poignant, but I liked myself and felt good, except for the helplessness of doing daily activities. I could only walk, and slowly. My face was emaciated, my ribs were reading, my stomach was sunken, my thighs were as big as my calves, but the important thing for me was that my dream of being weak came true and I lied to everyone that I didn't feel like eating.
A little later, helplessness increased, and hellish pain began in the ribs and stomach. I took measures and little by little I started to eat again, but with the food I started to have bloating and heartburn. After a while the latter passed, but the swelling did not disappear and I decided that this time I would not give up and I would starve to death. I threw away all the food and had another coffee a day. This time I was determined that I was really giving up on life. I continued starving for a month and a half. My mother was very scared and begged me to eat something, but I was adamant. She had secretly made an appointment with me for a psychiatrist. I was adamantly against it, but she insisted and said we would just talk. I agreed. He asked me all kinds of questions, I didn't answer and I just cried - he asked very personal things. I felt like salt was pouring into my wounds. I quickly gave it up and he prescribed me 3 types of medication, understand antidepressants. To my great regret, my mother convinced me to drink them. Even after the first reception in the evening, in the morning I felt inexplicable euphoria. The anger and bad thoughts were gone, I was a new person, so I kept drinking them. Under their influence, they convinced me to start eating again, and that's what happened. Soon after, I gained a lot of weight and didn't eat much. It turned out to be because of the antidepressants. I, the fool, did not check before I started, and no one warned me. They ruined my figure. I was very angry and stopped them. However, I lost a lot of weight and ruined my metabolism. Do not take antidepressants! Never! You will be very sorry! In time I recovered, I stopped starving, so I had promised myself this time. I started eating, with the idea to drink laxatives - they get a lot of water out of the body and help lose weight. My stomach hurt terribly from them, but I didn't stop. I had to choose between pain and hunger. I chose the first one. I drank every night and went to the toilet several times.
Good, but I had to spend a lot of money on pills, and it hurt a lot! Well, I switched to English salt, it is terribly bitter and I vomit from it, but my stomach does not hurt and it clears everything well ... 4 years have passed since then and I still drink it. It is very harmful, but I have no other choice. I have problems with peristalsis that four doctors could not solve and I gave up. I'm very bothered by her drinking, but I can't stop. I still feel guilty after eating and I can't overcome the disease, even though it doesn't look obvious and I'm hiding from everyone. To this day, I am very sensitive, closed, silent. I can't make friends or relationships. I am terribly lonely and have been trying to beat the disease for more than four years. My father does not regret anything and continues to drink, and my mother, as always, pretends that nothing happened. And as for the men in my life, only rubbish sticks to me. I try to prove myself, to detain someone, but it doesn't work ... They promise something, and as soon as they see that I don't want to jump into their bed right away, they give up. My dream is just to be with someone to love and support, nothing excites me anymore. I am desperate, help me with advice! I long for love, and those around me are only interested in sex. Would you guys get engaged to a girl like me? Anyway, what do you think? My father does not regret anything and continues to drink, and my mother, as always, pretends that nothing happened.
And as for the men in my life, only rubbish sticks to me. I try to prove myself, to detain someone, but it doesn't work ... They promise something, and as soon as they see that I don't want to jump into their bed right away, they give up. My dream is just to be with someone to love and support, nothing excites me anymore. I am desperate, help me with advice! I long for love, and those around me are only interested in sex. Would you guys get engaged to a girl like me? Anyway, what do you think? My father does not regret anything and continues to drink, and my mother, as always, pretends that nothing happened. And as for the men in my life, only rubbish sticks to me. I try to prove myself, to detain someone, but it doesn't work ... They promise something, and as soon as they see that I don't want to jump into their bed right away, they give up. My dream is just to be with someone to love and support, nothing excites me anymore. I am desperate, help me with advice! I long for love, and those around me are only interested in sex. Would you guys get engaged to a girl like me? Anyway, what do you think? My dream is just to be with someone to love and support, nothing excites me anymore. I am desperate, help me with advice! I long for love, and those around me are only interested in sex. Would you guys get engaged to a girl like me? Anyway, what do you think?
My dream is just to be with someone to love and support, nothing excites me anymore. I am desperate, help me with advice! I long for love, and those around me are only interested in sex. Would you guys get engaged to a girl like me? Anyway, what do you think?
1 _hytb_ answered
Hello! First of all, my recommendation is to actually visit not once a psychologist / psychotherapist, who does not prescribe you medication, but with whom you can comment on your whole life. You would receive the most adequate help from such a person, who challenges you to experience the bad things, to make sense of them and to overcome them. You were very unlucky and I don't think you can do it alone. Otherwise, I was raped at the age of 14, I also come from a naughty family and I am relatively an outsider. I shared that I was raped in front of men, if necessary. If the situation is appropriate, if I consider it appropriate and if the person is correct and I trust him. Otherwise I didn't have to. I have met men who in no way vaguely reminded me of the night in question - I have never met them again. Such encounters lead to spectacular degradation in overcoming trauma, even as isolated cases. My father also drank a lot, at this stage it still continues. The consequences are that I don't hold men who drink a lot in my life. I have had cases in which the man explains to me that he generally does not drink, and every night when I am with them he pours himself. I have had cases where a person tells me that hard alcohol does not lick, but it turns out that there is no problem at the expense of driving a car after 2 liters of beer. I just told them we were done. In fact, anything that reminded me of my father or rape is removed from my life without hesitation. It's good to share and experience with a psychologist, but in your life everything that tells you about a nightmare makes you degrade if you have recovered even a little. From then on, not all men just look for sex. I have had cases where with a mature man we are like students and holding hands, just hugging and kissing for months. What I explain at the beginning is that it is very important for me to establish a mental and emotional connection before we have sexual contact and I have always asked them to wait for me to initiate something more than just kisses, hugs, etc. Who does not suits, you immediately understand. There are those who were just angry when I told them - respectively, we did not go out anymore. As a matter of fact, I haven't had a long-term relationship, and I'm currently without a boyfriend, so I don't know to what extent my tactics work, but they make me feel good and comfortable, not to get depressed and everything is exactly. Better alone than badly accompanied. : -) As for friends - you need a job in a small team, to visit a club outside of work - sports, dance, art. I am generally an outsider, but at school I still had a girlfriend, in the neighborhood I currently have a girlfriend, I have a lot of social contacts and acquaintances, with whom I could also comment on some things. It's nice to get a pet if you like. I have both a dog and a cat, which at times are always by your side and although they are not human beings they can lift your spirits simply because they exist. Because it makes sense to go home, because someone is waiting for you, because someone needs you. This basically teaches you to truly love. I couldn't love until I took my dog 3 years ago and suffered a lot of failures in love.