I don't have a good past. My father was an alcoholic and beat my mother, I witnessed this ever since I was in kindergarten all the way to adolescence. After a while, one of my parents died, and I still can't live with it, I feel very lonely. At school, everyone taunted me, there was no specific reason, they just hated me and insulted me. I'm not in good health, and I have to do an operation, except I don't have that kind of money. When I was nine years old, a man on 40 tried to rape me, luckily I got away. All my friends I've ever had betrayed me. Now I have a problem with trust and this prevents me from having a serious relationship with a boy. I'm not myself, I'm being arrogant and self-involved, that's how I survive, this is my defense mechanism. After the death of one of my parents, the other person has now given up on indiscriminate sex. Constantly people come to us, every day different and I have to listen to them how they do it because I am in the other room, but I hear and it becomes very unpleasant. Nobody pays attention to me separately. Nobody cares about my problems or how I feel, nobody understands me. I'm very traumatized. I'm very sensitive and I'm very serious. I'm depressed for a few days. I start crying for hours for a reason that's not that serious. I'm beginning to shaking the whole and think of suicide because my life is nasty and meaningless. I am a perfectionist and a very extreme degree. I have too high unreal standards, which not only I, but almost no one can achieve. I used to think this was a good thing because it actually really makes me progress, but no matter how hard I try and be good, it's not perfect for me, I always find a flaw, looking at everything to the last detail. For example, I upload a photo on Facebook and at first, I like it very much, I think it's perfect, but after a while, I start to see flaws in it and it stresses me out and every day I think about it and I get angry. I look very good in appearance, people around me find me very beautiful, but I'm not happy because I don't look the way I want. I have an image in my head which is very difficult to achieve. I do my best, I work hard, and it never works. I look at pictures of stars that have been treated with Photoshop, these people have and operations, and this extra makes me feel bad. The last time I cried for a few hours because I thought I was ugly and I was generally nothing, and there was no point in fruitful living. Because of my perfection, I've been thinking about suicide again, and I'm never going to get what I want anyway. I hate myself for my past, my life sucks and nothing really good about it. I was beginning to develop, to study, to pursue my goals, I am ambitious, but I have already been neglected and not developed. I just have no motivation. I live in a fantasy world of mine, and that's how I survive, feel satisfied and well, deceive myself, and thus the situation is not so bad. In my fake life, I'm rich, I have a normal family, lots of friends, and that makes me confident. Just that it's fake. It helps me not to feel so bad about my terrible life, only that I am not myself. Not that I want to be me, because like I said, my life sucks and it doesn't satisfy me who I am. But people always tell me to be me. And that's why I blame myself for not being myself, but at the same time, I don't want to be myself, because I can't accept my nasty life. I have already stopped trying any care for myself. I eat in 2 days and only with chips, I have not washed my hair for weeks, I walk in dirty clothes, these things make me feel even uglier, but I have no desire for absolutely nothing but to die. But to die, I can't, because I can't stand physical pain. And imagine instead of dying, not going to go the way I want and on top of staying and handicapped. I don't want that. I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up the next day, die painlessly. Spare me the comments, I feel bad enough, only you will aggravate my condition and you will be more complex. I can't bear any more pain. It hurts almost everything.