I Feel Like Garbage

Hello! I don't know where to start, because at the moment I would sink to the ground in shame. For starters - I'm a girl, 99 sets (in mid-June I turn 20), I'm from Sofia, if it matters and I've never had a boyfriend, just short dunks with boys, I did not succeed, I've always been in depression because of boys and nothing was right, I had my first kiss when I was 18, and the first sex - a week ago, that's why I'm writing the story. I've always been far behind with the material, I have girlfriends who are 2-3 sets and already have extensive experience with boys, even in sex, I'm literally like the last hole in the kaval - always the last in life. Let's start the story itself (I'll tell you in dates) - on 04.05 I was looking at a group on FB, in which different drawings are uploaded and I saw that a boy had uploaded a very cool drawing and I decided to send him an invitation, I did not expect him to accept it, and he, in addition to accepting it, wrote to me afterwards. We started writing to each other, how old we are, where we are from, the ordinary things in an acquaintance, what interests we have, etc. He told me that he is also from Sofia - I am from Lyulin, he is from Druzhba (I will not say more details ), and whether we can see each other these days, because it will be stronger to meet live.

I told him I could, even though I wasn't entirely sure. The first time I told him I had a job (05.05), but on 06.05 we decided to see each other. He told me in a chat that the weather was not very good and we could stay in them, which didn't sound very good to me, but I told myself that if I felt something was wrong, I would just leave. We saw each other and went to them. He started showing me his paintings, even finished one of them in front of me, we talked about music and all sorts of things and so on for about 2 hours, then he went to bed and told me to come to him, I was a little embarrassed, but I still agreed. We hugged, we didn't do anything until he started rubbing inside me and we started pushing, first I pulled away and he stopped, but then I continued, and we did it - we didn't even have a condom, well, it didn't end in me. There was a lot of pain, there was blood, but definitely the pleasure was greater. Then we made oral love, I didn't even have the experience, but he obviously liked it. Then we lay naked, I even slid my hand to his and behaved like boyfriends, we kept talking, a little later we got dressed and he sent me to the taxi, as it was 1 o'clock after midnight, and my mother and father I wasn't very proud of the fact that I was coming home so late.

After 2 days we saw each other again and we did it again, even 2 times in a row with more poses, we talked more about our previous relationships, but the worst thing happened to me that he told me that at this moment he does not want relationships, soon had finished his last, not looking for a relationship, and I need just that. I think we have a lot of common interests, our age is okay (it's the 96th set, I forgot to mention), I have a strange feeling that it's like he likes me, but he's not sure, he told me he's a very honest person and he's he says everything that leads me to think that he may have nothing to do with me, but to be with me only for sex and for me to imagine some things, he tells me a thousand times that he wants us to be friends and he is happy, but I don't understand why after sex we hug and lie down, kiss on the forehead, cheek, mouth, caress me and tell me that I'm cute, etc .. We don't write hearts in chat, etc. n., I wrote him a heart once and he answered me, it's not like he doesn't answer, but he doesn't write me anything, he even started writing to me less often these days. Even before 10 o'clock he shone on me, came in and didn't write to me, it's weird. I'm hell-bent on it, I'm even afraid to see him if he offers to go out again because I don't think it will be the last time, in which we see each other. I like him, she is in love, for the moment, but I feel where things are going and I am afraid to become attached so as not to be hurt again.

What would you advise me to do in this situation? I literally feel like garbage, which I use for one time and it is no longer worth it, the worst thing is that I gave myself the virginity of the boy in question and this first time will be a memory for a lifetime. I apologize if the story was long, but I tried to be as comprehensive as possible,