I Feel Like A Mean, Nasty Bitch

The Story

I will drive it briefly. A little more than 3 years ago I met a man on one of the dating sites, we exchanged phones, conversations, writing, this and that, I became attached to him over time more and more. So much so that I shut up and ignored all the men, I couldn't wait to get home from work to talk for hours. Over time, feelings for him arose and dramas began. He rejected me, did not want to meet me, but kept looking for me on the phone. I felt very unhappy and unwanted by him, I was sick, I lost weight from grief, I didn't sleep and I wondered why he didn't want to be with me. I asked him what was wrong with him that he didn't want to be with me, the excuse was the same - it was rubbish, it wasn't for me. I call him come on, he has tattoos, he stole out of necessity, he was in prison on a light regime, it's not so fatal.

He is young, life is before him. Over time, with each attempt, he became more and more repulsive to me, and I became more and more devastated. Anyway, what happened happened, after more than 3 years of muttering on my part, he came to see me for sure, because he was slightly drunk. I went to his town and we saw each other - he wasn't the 33-year-old he was pretending to be. A 45-year-old man was meeting me, beaten and ruined by life. Strange for me, instead of getting angry, insulting him and catching my first train, I felt sorry for him and stayed with him all day. It was really nice, we walked around the city, introduced me to my friends, drank beer, talked.

I will never forget his sad look, though a little drunk he cried to take him for a man. And that's why I feel like a bitch, because I told him I wouldn't marry him and I can't accept, that he is closer to my parents' age than mine. I told him that things would be as they are now, that I would help him financially as before, but that he would not expect me to marry him. 18 years difference between us seems to be really a lot, and I don't know, except for pity, I don't feel anything else. Judge me for being a pickpocket who doesn't know what he wants. But I will never forget the experience the moment I saw it. Anger fought in me, the insult that for 3 years and thousands of stupid excuses he did not have the courage to tell me the truth, love, and pity ...

Now I feel like a bitch, like the lowest creature, that maybe he relied on me, after everything I've said. We are still talking and I think at least until the summer to help him financially, I don't know further. I want to have a family, I don't want to be alone, but I have a terrible sense of guilt for this person, that I let him down, I just wanted to share. I just pray that in time he will recover and not suffer because life with him has been very unfair. Thank you for reading my grunts

Last Updated
July 30, 2020
Author:
jailove15

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