I Don't Understand Anymore ...

Hello, everyone! My story has already begun to turn into a kind of unbridled chaos, but I will try to tell it as briefly as possible (though not at all short) and more clearly. In advance, I ask you all who intend to comment that there is NO need for hate and biting comments, I am fed up with bad things every day! I am 22 years old, a girl, a native of Sofia. And I haven't been able to find any friends for almost two years. But none. I went through all sorts of things. I've dealt with a lot of boys (of course I have more experience), but I'm not an easy girl, just the circumstances were like that (I was in high school with about 90% male population). Since I graduated, I have had several 3-4 month relationships (which in practice do not count as such), but since the summer of last year (2017) things have turned upside down and I can no longer attach myself to anyone. For a long time I was angry (and very hurt and mentally burdened) at the fact that things were still not going well before and all my previous relationships were quite emotional. I was a wreck with a very broken psyche and I felt like a rag emotionally. I decided to take a break to clear my mind and clear myself of all the mud I was in, but instead of resting and doing nothing with anyone, things began to sink deeper and deeper. I stumbled upon some brutal movies, which turned out to be quite expensive for me, but in general, all this time, since I told myself that I was going to rest, the old scheme went smoothly with the fact that I was constantly cut, whether I wanted to or not. Now comes the point where I have to clarify a few things: shortly before I decide (maybe 2-3 months) that I will rest and that I will not do, I stopped all contact with all kinds of people. That is, I was left without friends. This is not a problem for me, I just said to myself that I will no longer run on someone's ungrateful ass and I prefer to stay like that, without worries on my head and without any emotional difficulties.

That is, the whole point is that I was left without an environment (I officially reduced it to 0), not that I had before and moved to large companies, but there were people with whom we often went out. The second thing is that I can't find a suitable environment at my university, because it is simply excluded there and everything they say about the student years is totally untrue. Or in my case it's just not true, I don't know. I want to emphasize that it is not a problem for me to be alone, I have been standing alone for so long. I'm not worried about that at all, because it's good for people like me. People like me understand: easier explosive, more dynamic, noisier, very sincere (I can't live without telling the truth, I'm a Sagittarius if that matters, but please don't follow that). In general, I know how to make my own decisions and it's good for me (because before my opinion was not very stable, because I was often guided by the minds of others) and to judge for myself without feeling burdened by other people's points of view. I don't go to discos (I don't drink or shake), I don't wander outside at night, I haven't passed, while those around me are the only ones who care. I have become quite a closed type, it is much harder for me to get along with new people, nothing is the same as before. And by nature I'm not like that, I'm positive, I used to easily make all kinds of acquaintances, but time made me close, time and all the wounds, which I carry on my back (sounds very dramatic, but I just feel that way). I realize that I have become a strictly patriarchal woman for whom there is no second opinion and to the last does not deviate from what she has decided. To the main problem: I don't understand what's happening to men anymore, honestly.

I will share what happened to the last 2 guys I met. In general, I do not like the classic types of boys: players, thugs, counters and all sorts of variations of compressed air. We outgrew these hormones. I like ordinary boys, those who are not very good with women, but on the other hand they are smart and have interesting hobbies. I don't mean the bison, which 2 tales can't peel. In short, boys, who generally don't like chicks very much. I have always been open and open to all types of people. I never ignore someone because they have a problem. Because it is interesting for me to discover, to get to know everything possible that stood in my way. I am quite a tolerant person in general and quite patient. I try to pretend to be mean and crazy, but they easily reveal me, because these are masks and protective reactions (built in time). I can't deny that my character is a bit strange and anything can be expected of me at any moment. I already watch and try to avoid the latter and be a little more straightforward, because no one likes frivolous people, with whom I am forced to meet and deal every day: @. I slipped a lot again. So what happened to the last two people I dated ... We met a boy in Tinder (why did I run such an app when it's so extremely inappropriate for me, because I'm not looking for just to fuck once and then who is where, for me it's nonsense), quite an interesting person and funny, came out and very nice (but not asshole), generally very nice company.

We left after more than a month of arrangements and delays (on his part, for the first time such a thing: D) and how we ended: shortly before we left the place where we were, he kissed me and we went to the bus stop ... And then .. Nothing. One big nothing. An ignorance began, as if I had done nothing. I didn't talk to him about relationships, or comment on my exes while we were together, or mention anything related to serious things. We just drank our beers. In my opinion, I had clearly shown him that I was not one of those who let you on the first "meeting". Maybe that was the problem, I don't know. I allowed myself to inquire about him and realized that he was not a whore, but it is not known whether it is known. I asked him why he started doing that, and before ignoring him, of course, he chats regularly, it's true that what we wrote to each other didn't make sense, but it was written. I got some excuse about alcohol. I had never heard anything more stupid. Anyway, I couldn't hear the real reason and I kept guessing. Here comes the turn to say that I am not 1. 60, 70 kg, but I am 1. 76, 60 kg: D

I am tall, slender, I am not ugly and disgusting. Well, it's true that I may look a little cunning, but time is to blame for that, it made me look "scary": D. The second case was similar, only I decided to stop this absurdity called "Tinder" and move forward boldly. I liked another boy that I sometimes see, when I'm out in the neighborhood and we started writing to him. The same story, only a day and a half after we saw each other, the conversation on his part turned to the fact that he did not want connections. And I didn't say anything, I didn't even bother to write to him ... absolutely nothing. I don't know how this thing solved it, but because I really hate to be insolent, I got angry and fucked him. No diplomacy on his part, and with that, the glass just fell and spilled. And we could just be friends, go for a beer, honestly, I was hoping for that more. In fact, I didn't expect anything, I didn't even think about it. So ... I have a few hypotheses about these stupid things happening to me. I'm not one of those suffocating people and I'm not looking for a connection at any cost, I'm just researching who I'm interacting with. And the problems of these guys do not come from the fact that something is wrong with me (because for a long time I blamed myself and hated that I did not get up), but they are just afraid. And I guess I'm not at all suitable to be just their friend, because sooner or later they will start falling in love with me ... I think so, and now it's time to say what you think. Q. I apologize in advance if you are tired of listening only to "me, me, me", but I had to try to present some clear picture of me and the situation so that there could be some adequate opinion about things. If it worked at all, well! Let me remind you again: please - WITHOUT HATE. Thanks! because sooner or later they will start falling for me ... I think so, and now it's time to say what you think. Q. I apologize in advance if you are tired of listening only to "me, me, me", but I had to try to present some clear picture of me and the situation so that there could be some adequate opinion about things. If it worked at all, well! Let me remind you again: please - WITHOUT HATE. Thanks! because sooner or later they will start falling for me ... I think so, and now it's time to say what you think. Q. I apologize in advance if you are tired of listening only to "me, me, me", but I had to try to present some clear picture of me and the situation so that there could be some adequate opinion about things. If it worked at all, well! Let me remind you again: please - WITHOUT HATE. Thanks!