I Don't Even Know What To Call The Story

Hello, My story is full of children. Even why I write it. In general, I am a 22-year-old girl. Ever since I was a child, I have always been shy, shy, anxious. I've always found complexes and since I can remember from my first weight loss I've always aimed to be thin, of course normal things .. From 9th grade for as long as I can remember I've been a little more relaxed only if I'm weaker, I literally speak without exaggeration. I've always felt alone out of place with my friends. I'm the lowest of the group and stupid. I will not tell my whole life .. The last 3 years .. I enrolled to study medicine. In the first year I was very obsessed, at every exam worry I underestimated. I read 10 hours a day, I didn't go out, I was completely isolated from the world because I didn't believe in myself and I always aimed for the maximum. However, 1 year and a half passed, I gained weight and had hormonal problems. I uploaded 10 years at once. Of course I already wanted to find someone I felt the lack of .. (before I had relationships, but 2 years ago) This period I did not talk to almost anyone. I had friends, but as far as I can advise them on something and so far nothing bad, I'm still to blame .. But this prevented me a lot, I closed more. Every time I went out I was ashamed to speak. I couldn't say elementary things. It's shrinking. I was told that I was alone, I was still closing. I decided to lose weight, I said that I can't be harassed by someone if I don't like myself. But what happened I lost 6, 7 years I trained but it became a mania, every day I went 2 times to train, all my money went for food. Everyone told me that I don't live ... Despite everything, I liked to train, I don't lie, I grayed when I saw the gym. I see motivation in a barbell .. But my friends are making fun of me ha, I will pretend to be someone, I never wanted to be someone. Even when I went to training I was always in the back not to watch. I was thinking about it all the time because I was walking on the road and when I looked at myself I was retaliating and I wasn't bad. I was even weak. I've developed bulimia, you're overeating. The next day you trained until you died. Everyone tells you that you are weak and you are a machine, what better. Although I did not have a cycle of 3 years. that was not a factor for me. It has always been important for me to have a goal to follow her .. What a goal my stupidity is .. I threw away my best years in nonsense I found a friend, but he left me. I was crazy about being with me. I didn't tell him these things but I didn't pay attention to him for training. What a drummer I am currently gaining 5kg but I have regained my cycle, and I feel terrible. Now I don't have a job, but I studied a lot, I wanted a profession and to develop, I have no body or strength in the hall. I don't even have that much accepted because it's my fault. I'm super stupid. Someone will say tighten at 22 Yes, I'm ok at 22 but how?