I Do Not Love Him!

My story is really long and exciting, but I will shorten it a bit. 4 years ago I fell in love, I fell in love very much ... with all my heart. It's just that the person I fell in love with didn't appreciate it and still thought I was too small for him ... I was 16 and he was 23. We practiced for a year and a half ... I loved him as madly as hardly anyone loved. It was the most wonderful time of my life with him .... the best emotions .... the hottest nights and everything the most ... the most ... We ended our relationship, not of my own volition. He found a serious girlfriend, whom they will marry in time, and I changed three, four and did not find love in any of them ... Recently, his girlfriend was gone ... we renewed our old relationship for a short time ... until he came back .. and my love grew with even greater force ... And when she came back .. that was the end! I can't describe what's wrong with me ... I don't have the right words .... I found a friend, we've been together recently .. through tears I will say that I don't want to be with him, that he repulses me and even makes me nauseous he kisses me ... I don't know why I'm with him ... I can't leave him because he loves me so much ... but ... I can't take it anymore. I know this is no reason not to live, but sometimes ... and these thoughts go through my head. I don't know what to do ... if someone gives me advice I will be very grateful. and these thoughts run through my head. I don't know what to do ... if someone gives me advice I will be very grateful. and these thoughts run through my head. I don't know what to do ... if someone gives me advice I will be very grateful.