I Can't Take It Anymore ....

I don't know how and where to start. The story is this: A few years ago, while walking with a friend, we happened to see him sitting on a bench. It was summer. We stopped to chat and word for word he invited us to them. We went, had fun, played cards, laughed, etc. Suddenly he suggested we go for a walk in the mountains, as it was already in the middle of the night. We left and we were not very far from his house when we saw a small wooden house. He offered to go and go in there, and we agreed because it was interesting and curious (at least to me). It was a little to the side and the road to it was steep. We went down carefully and went inside. There was a mattress in the corner, and he decided to cover it by tearing off a piece of paper. He and I went to bed, as my friend wanted to leave because she was hungry. I also told her to wait another five minutes, they were over and I asked her for another five and I really would get up.

However, she got tired of it and left alone at night, and the next day she was a little angry with me for that ... she was right somewhere. Ten seconds after she left, as we had gone to bed with this young man, he suddenly began to lightly touch my arm. I answered him and after a moment I rushed to kiss him ... We pressed each other, we kissed, but we did not reach the end, and all this lasted a long time, I can't say exactly how much. At one point he tried to touch me with his fingers ... there but his skin was rough and I moaned slightly. He asked me if I was a virgin, I lied to him that I wasn't. Anyway, when it was all over, I told him I wanted to leave because I was hungry. We left by going through some other road, I don't know where, through some nettles and mud. When we passed him, we passed through them, I don't remember why anymore and he sent me to us. We said goodbye and that was it. For the next few days, I saw him at the teacher's school, but he acted like I wasn't there. I wasn't in love or who knows how attracted to him yet, but I was still a little sick. And for a year and a few months we had absolutely no contact, we hadn't even come across each other by accident.

Until one day he wrote to me on Facebook and asked to see me. I told him that I was not in the village (everything happened there), I was in Plovdiv because I studied there. He asked for my number and called me and kept asking me when I would be coming and things like that. The Christmas holidays came and I returned to the village for the holidays. We wrote to each other several times but never saw each other, we even went to a friend with them, but he was not there. After that, for two years again, we had absolutely no relationship. And one day, quite by accident, while I was bored, I decided to write to him, just to create some pleasant emotion, because I knew you couldn't be bored with him, he was and still is one of the so-called "bad boys", there are even serious drug problems, criminal activity and so on.

But that night when I decided to write to him, I did it simply because I wanted to talk to someone, I didn't want to deal with him seriously, I didn't want to take him down, and I chose him because he wasn't like the other guys who took me down - hellishly banal. and boring, they used the same phrases in order to please me at all costs, and that repulsed me like hell. So we wrote to each other a little, and after about a month he started writing to me every day, asked for my number again, called me all the time. I was pleased because, as I said, he was insistent, but he did not have the servile behavior that other men had towards me. He kept asking me if I would come, I couldn't because certain factors stopped me, such as lack of money, I had exams ... He was very angry about that. I felt really cool in his company, even though I knew what he was like, he even bragged about his performances. I had no idea even how far things would go in a while. So we kept in touch again for about 2 months and suddenly stopped looking for each other. He because he was tired of waiting for me to come. I didn't accept him at all because I still didn't feel anything for him, except that it was nice to take me down. I knew what his goal was, and I didn't pull either, because he managed to make me want him. Summer has come. I wrote to him again. He asks me again when. A week later, on the day I was going to travel to the village, he wrote to me and told him that I was coming today.

I arrived but we didn't see each other that night. The next day, again with the girl I was talking about at the beginning of the story, we were walking aimlessly through the streets and came across an acquaintance of ours who spoke to us and suddenly out of nowhere, he came with a bicycle and a hood on his head, carrying a bag. beer. The acquaintance we met invited us to their yard, we drank, we talked, in fact he (the owner) talked and did not keep his mouth shut. And my man was still acting like I was gone. I was starting to like him, but I wasn't completely immersed. Some time passed and my girlfriend and I got up and left. In the next 7-8 days with this boy we were talking about, we were constantly looking for each other, we wrote to each other, I called him, as he called me, we agreed on where to see each other, but we still failed. During these days I felt like I was walking on the "sloping plane", ie before that I was just attracted but I started to feel like I was sinking, I knew I shouldn't, I knew he had a bad reputation, a drug addict and a criminal. I could have stopped the process yet, but I didn't. And one night, as usual, my girlfriend and I were out, as I usually called, asking him where he was and if he wanted to see me. He told me that he was at one of his neighbors and they were watching a match and he told me to come if I wanted to. Of course I wanted to. We went to them and I called him again to tell me where the house of the man he was visiting was, he said he would go out to see him. He came out, I walked over to him, and as I got closer I noticed that he was grinning like hell, but I may have imagined, I know. We went inside, I met the people who were there and they started asking me where I lived, who I belonged to and things like that.

He and I were sitting next to each other, hanging out, fooling around, holding hands under the table, and the smile never left his face. I boldly and categorically declare that after my childhood, these were my happiest moments. Yes, it may not seem like much, but for me it was and still is. The man we were with was extremely kind and hospitable to me and my best friend, even though we were entering his house for the first time. The three of us got up to leave (me, my best friend and he), we greeted the people and wished them good evening. It was midnight again and we went to cross the streets of the three of us, taking tours of many places in the village. He hardly stopped talking all the time (the boy). He told us about his drug and criminal adventures: accidents, car thefts, clashes with the police, spending the night in jails. He has also been a drug addict for years. You will say it is complete rubbish and you will be right. Yes, I know you'll blame me for being able to fall for one, but it was too late. Love is illogical and irrational. I knew perfectly well that I had to stay away from them, but I couldn't. At one point, my friend suggested that we lie down in the field and watch the stars. That's what we did. I lay down between the two. We sat like that for a while, looking at the stars, then we took a short walk again and suddenly the MP said he would go home, we said goodbye and we were the only ones left. He asked me where he wanted us to go, I answered - I don't know. He suggested we sit on the benches in the center. We sat down and he took me in his arms ... I can't describe what happiness is all about, I just ... I have no words. I felt like I was sinking, that I was getting lost, that if there was absolute happiness and heaven on earth, it was exactly what was happening to me at that moment. I didn't think about anything, I wanted it to last forever, I didn't need anything else at all. I was madly, irretrievably in love. There was no going back.

I allowed this to happen to me, now I realize that I intuitively knew what was waiting for me, but still I did not stop in time to deal with it, as if on purpose. It's like driving a car and heading straight for the ravine, knowing you're going to die. A patrol came and we decided to move to the yard of the kindergarten, which was behind us. We sat on the stairs as he hugged me again, we kissed. I don't know where and how it came from and I said: I never want you to let me go. He said nothing. He suggested we go to them. I refused him. Not for anything else, but because I was in a cycle. I didn't want to agree to the offer, then we can't do anything when he finds out what period of the month I'm in and spoil his mood, so I refused him there, but I didn't say why. He wound me up for a while, then said goodbye. When I came home I couldn't sleep, my whole being would burst with the strong feelings I was feeling. In addition to the peak of happiness and love, I felt a strong tension, without being able to explain why. And of course, I started fantasizing about some things, hoping in vain that we would be together and all sorts of things. The next day I called to see him and he agreed. He went out in front of them, stood for 10 minutes and then said he was going to sleep. I didn't want to play it, but I didn't show it naturally. The next two weeks I was in the countryside was a real, indescribable, emotional hell for me because he didn't look for me. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I drank half a liter of brandy a night, I roared constantly. From time to time I couldn't help but write to him that I missed him. I did not receive an answer. I wanted to call him, but I knew from personal experience that the more you chased someone, the more they ran away from you, I wanted to be proud and that I didn't care, thus hoping to pique their interest. Nothing like that happened. It's time to go home to my hometown. I continued to suffer from it. My mother would travel to this place where I was, because she was born, and she suggested if I wanted to go with her. I accepted only because I hoped to see him again. One day I couldn't stand it and wrote to him that I loved him. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't take it anymore. At least he would give me some clarity about what exactly he intended for me, but alas, that did not happen. He just wrote me "yes, if it was like that you would come to us when I wanted" ... I told him that I would come again if he wanted to see me, he asked me when and at what time I would arrive, I told him. It was almost evening when we arrived. We had agreed with him how much to see and where. I recovered, adjusted, and headed for the meeting place, even though I was a little late. He was gone.

He wrote me that he had seen an acquaintance of his and they talked and he would call as he was leaving. I waited 15 minutes. I decided to call to ask him why he was delaying, and he picked me up and answered some things, from which I only understood: Abe, what are you to hold me accountable ... And shut me up. I stood and waited a little longer and left. The truth is, I wasn't even mad at him for that. Really. The next day I wanted to be proud and angry again. I said "end", I will not look for him anymore, I've been here. I went to my Facebook page, he had written to me: Sorry, I stayed as a guest, I was invited: I'm not int. go away ... He: My girl invited me as a guest, what should I do, and what should I do with you, look what they are ... At this remark I got angry and told him that it was rubbish and a complete failure and nothing gets out of it. Insults from him followed, he told me I was ugly, that no one would want to fuck me, that I was scared ... I didn't know if he really meant it. If that was the case, he wouldn't have taken me down. That's why I wasn't offended, but I didn't know why he was behaving like that. I blocked him. The next few months were even more hell. I still didn't eat, I slept for lectures, I didn't care about anything at all. The pain in my chest was indescribable, I cried even in front of my colleagues, I wanted, I prayed to God to die but I did not have the courage to commit suicide. I lost a lot of weight. I cried every morning when I opened my eyes ...

But no, I will not look for him and allow him to humiliate me more. I had vowed and so I lasted a few months, in fact half a year, during which time I had some very slight beginnings of emotional recovery. While one day I thought I had forgotten it was this Christmas, I actually decided to congratulate him on the holiday with a text message, I hadn't deleted his number. He answered me quite cordially and asked me how I was, how the holiday was, etc. I told him I was at work. That night, when I got drunk, I called him, we talked, our conversation ended with his words that were: I'm very glad he called, do it again. I don't know what to think. This gave me hope on the one hand. Then he called me again several times, and one time he was from an unknown number because his account had been stopped and he wanted to hear me. So in general, I continue to feel the same way, and the reason I'm sharing this story here is to ease and ease my pain. I probably look like a complete fool to you, to say the least, and it may be so.

During all these months, I kept asking myself the same unanswered questions. I did not share these feelings with absolutely anyone except my best friend, because I knew that I would not get a real understanding from anyone but just some empty phrases that I did not need. Even now I cried, but somehow with relief. Thank you for your attention and time :))