I Can't Make A Real Self-assessment!

Hello! I've been wondering for a long time whether to write about my problem (if I can call it that at all) but I think I need, if not to say it out loud, then at least to write it. For about a year now, I began to realize that I was hurting myself. I am constantly thinking about my life, my family, in general, the people around me. I think about what I say, how I say it, and then why I said it. I imagine how people accepted it, whether I didn't hurt them, insult them, etc. (to put it bluntly, I'm not influenced by people's opinion, if I don't consider it true). So, now we get to the heart of the problem - I can not make a real self-assessment. I never admit what I actually did (always consciously or not belittling it, saying to myself it wasn't enough, and little by little I finalize with how pathetic I am, as you'll find out from both my spelling and punctuation). Recently reading comments here on similar topics, my line of thinking has changed a bit. I started asking myself questions - when did I first start to deepen things so much? Was there a reason or incident that affected me, so much? I started to think it was because of the atmosphere at home (I have a wonderful family, for which I am infinitely grateful).

We are a family of four, a mother, a father and a little older brother. I got everything I needed, but I think that somewhere along the way of my growth, I lost my self-confidence and self-confidence. Looking at and reading literature on this topic, I think I know what is due. My father is a good parent, but I've always lacked warmth on his part, (I know he loves me more than himself, but he almost never shows it) I don't remember him telling me he loves me, and I've only received kisses a few times. Life with my older brother was a daily struggle, a struggle not to be humiliated or exploited (brings back some happy memories) but as expected, the younger one is kicked in pride. My relationship with him is also cool, although I can always count on him. Before I always ran after him (literally, he didn't want me at all: D, which I think hurt me, now I don't remember the moment, but I remember the feeling and every time I feel insignificant when we're together :(). I know it's ridiculous I also know that what I wrote seems ridiculous and insignificant to you, but when you think about something for too long, looking for a problem in it, believe me, you will find more than one. to say everything I wanted, and what exactly I was feeling, I just had so many things going on, that when I try to get them out of me, everything turns into a big mess, and now I don't write and rewrite half the story - in short, I was betrayed twice by a very close friend, a person I relied on. Thanks and sorry if I lost your time! "If you look into the abyss for too long, she will look at you." -Friedrich Nietzsche.