Boy, 18, from a small town. I'm a competitive person, I always want to be first in almost everything, and I want to define things and "lead the parade." My problem is that when I make friends, I don't know what to do next, how to keep these friendships, how maybe these friendships grow into something more, I have no idea about it. People don't like me very much because I find myself weird, clogged up, for some, even a hindrance. I don't go out, I don't go to the gym and i go to discos, I don't move in company, I mainly stay at home because everything else feels like wasted time. I often behave very defiantly to some people because I like to annoy them from time to time. I have long hair, I am brought up and I stand up for myself, I am even too stubborn, sometimes I even argue, for the sport itself :D People don't have a particularly good opinion of me, a hell of a lot of them think I'm gay. I used to feel bad, but honestly, I'm even having fun. It takes an incredibly long time for someone to change their minds about me from negative to positive (a classmate from 5th grade to 9th grade didn't like me; another 8 to 11 thought I was a scoundrel and a licker, etc. ) For better or worse, every person you meet remembers me. And I just can't. I create an incredibly nice impression if a stranger, without an opinion about me, talks to me, because I can say something about literally any issue, or at least turn things around so that I choose it... So far so good. I manage to make friendships after changing someone's opinion of myself, or after I show them that I can think and reason. Where to now? I don't want to go out with them, often their opinion or problems don't interest me, but I don't tell them because I don't like hurting their feelings. Even if I'm not interested, I like to listen to them and help them, but sometimes it requires a hell of a lot of nerves on my part. Things I hardly share, and if I share, it will be if I am incredibly desperate, or if they are very close to me and happen to trust them. It's hard for me to find anything to do with some people... what should I do then? I often find myself writing with some people. Days in a row, and then I stop. I don't know... A girlfriend I have never had, I can not think about such a thing, because I fall in love with anyone (I need at least months to communicate with this person). It's a bad trait of mine that I'm completely sincere and very vulnerable, because my feelings are real... And by then, this man will be gone from my life... I know the negatives will come together, but I'm curious, and I want to find a solution to this problem of mine. Thank you :) In me, someone falling in love here is saying-speeches impossible because of my appearance and my character, and that everything could be expected of me.
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