How To Experience It

Hi, maybe your title made it clear what it was all about. I am 21 years old, until now I have lived with the thought that I have a very strong character and very few things can break my spirit, but now that moment has come. I was not with this girl for a very long time, about a year, but during this period we went through a lot and she became an integral part of my life and dreams. I've never loved before. I've been with girls, but I've never been able to love them, which I once hated myself for. And then she came. We've known each other since we were little from the same city, we started our relationship a little jokingly and from a joke it became one of the most wonderful things that happened to me. I completely changed my life to be with her, I do not want to say details because you will call me an idiot and rightly so. I'm a person with a slightly different mindset and I thought that she is such a person. Everything was fine from 4 months ago. Since then, I have felt her looking for a reason for quarrels and separation and at the same time she claims that she loves me. Suddenly he started telling me that he didn't want to talk to me much, to write to me, and finally he told me that he didn't even want to be intimate with me. Then we broke up and after 2 weeks he apologized again and we continued. It's been a week, a week that was unique everywhere. And then she told me that she was very cold to me and did not want to be with me. I've done a lot of things to keep her cool. I have never lied to her, betrayed her, neglected her, I have always done everything possible just to be good. I left my dreams to make hers come true, I loved her, God, there is no word to describe it, I carried her with two words in my hands. There were things I objected to. But you can't say YES to everything after all. And she was obviously cold from that, or she was just looking for a reason to separate. I saw her lately, she was online late when we weren't together, she wasn't looking for any reason to talk to me and she told me again that she had no desire for anything, and this time she even told me that I hadn't sexually attracted her and not at all. it was obvious. But anyway. It's been a month since we broke up, I don't stop thinking the same thing from morning to night. No matter what I do, nothing can distract me at least a little. It turned out that she was not honest with me about many things that I will not describe, I know that this happened for good. And yet I do not stop thinking about the time we were together and I'm like garbage all day ... I tried with other girls, supposedly to relieve the pain and it became stronger and stronger.