How Should I Feel At This Moment?

Hello! It's a 19-year-old boy who just needs to share with strangers the worst thing that's ever happened to him in order to test if he's really "relieving." Probably a lot of stories here start like that, and that's a local cliché, but ... Actually, I don't know why I do it here. It's just no coincidence that this was one of the first results when searching for "share", as I've been browsing the site for maybe an hour, and I find its audience to be intelligent and able to help in the form of guidelines and so on. My story is long. I will mark only the most basic so that I do not remember everything internally again as I write it. I have been living in the USA for a year. I came here to study what is infinitely interesting and enjoyable for me - a specific field of information technology, which is not even studied in Bulgarian universities, nor is there any subsequent possibility of realization based on it. I can't say that he gets used to it in a year.

On the contrary - it is impossible to get used, especially for a person like me - closed, with different understandings of the world and reality from those of the masses, introverted misanthrope, leading a passive lifestyle, limiting his contacts as much as possible ... yes, that's what I am I like myself the way I exist, because for me and my essence is the only possible one. Please do not criticize this part, because the focus of the topic is elsewhere. Well, I deal with everyday life, I go to lectures, I do internships in my specialty, I pay my rent for the house, I order pizza and chicken wings. Definitely what I imagined from life here. Yes, I did the trick of not thinking about my problems and myself, and in this way I managed to strengthen my psyche even a little bit of magic at first sight ... I succeeded. Everyday life had engulfed me and released me from its embrace so spontaneously and strongly one night last week, when the phone rang ... Somewhere in the middle of my teenage years, at 15, I had accidentally met an IRC girl with whom we shared common interests. around computers. She was a year older than me, from another city, but not far away. In a few months of chatting, we both realized that computers were far from the only thing we shared. We were so similar, in way of thinking, values, understandings, things we liked, we even liked ... the same breed of horses, which is very strange because the breed is rare and almost unknown. A year passed, then two, for this time we see each other if not twice a month and more, then at least once, and ... the time I spent with her these days is a source of my best memories so far, the only thing I can now return, and made me tremble.

Nothing like that had happened to me. It was as if I had found myself, seen myself in front of me ... I had returned home. Even though I was so small, the memory I keep now is about the completeness, harmony ... even nirvana. I didn't need anything else when we were together and communicating. During this time, a few years, an extremely strong friendship was formed between us. Like I said, something I was experiencing for the first time because I hadn't had friends until now, just the way I don't have them now. I had never thought of anything more because she was my friend. I'm sure, that it was the same with her, because a man as emotional and sincere as she was would hardly be able to hide his feelings. A man who knew everything about me as I knew everything about her, even the secrets we had both hardly thought before that anyone would ever know.

We were everywhere together when there was an occasion ... we went to concerts, we went on a trip to China, we even took care of ants together. Two years ago, she met a boy a few years older than her, with whom she quickly fell in love. I liked it because it made her shine. Her eyes hadn't looked that way before. She and I had no "boyfriends." It made her feel special, and that was evident every time I looked at her or she talked about him. He was a very intelligent boy, with international success in astronomy, preparing for a foreign university, where he had been admitted a few years earlier on a full scholarship. She had a deep and interesting character, which was exactly what she had fallen in love with. They were a very sweet couple. He treated her so kindly every time they were together. It made her smile spontaneously, and her smile was something quite difficult ... a beautiful story, to sum up.

The romance lasted a year and a half. It was time, and he went abroad. At first, he thought everything would be OK, that they would keep in touch for a few years, and he promised to come back and work here ... but it didn't happen. One day he told her on Skype that he couldn't take it anymore, and it was better to separate. For the first month, he pretended that nothing had happened, he smiled artificially, he pretended that nothing had ever happened. One morning my sister called, and she told me she tried to end her life, and she failed ... the fuse fell. I went to the hospital. I still remember walking down the hall. I didn't really feel like I was walking. I entered the room. Her hands were bandaged, and the ink on the burnt insulation of the cables she'd caught was still visible on her wrists ... out of fear, my feelings turned to a fit of rage. I rushed in and said, "Why? Where do you think you're going to go? Did you lose all faith for a boy? There will be so much more, oh ... where are you in a hurry?" ... and she just he repeated - "I didn't want more ...". I cried, hugged her, and stayed there all day. When she was discharged and I was always with them, she repeatedly told me that I was the only thing she thought about before she put the wires in the socket. She thought about how much I would miss her ... I took the bus to my city in the evening, and cried at the window like a baby, remembering her words. How could she have been so frivolous at that moment, and ignored her rationality, which is so inherent in her ... yes, the feelings that she described, as far as she could, they might reason enough for someone, but I still didn't understand her.

After this "incident" it seemed as if I had more or less changed my view of her. I don't know in which direction or why. It took a long time for her to get out of this hole, and when I decided to tell her that I had decided to study in the United States, I postponed it for 3 months because I was terrified. I finally made up my mind, and she just said, "Well done, great." I had already learned a lesson, and I talked to her about it for a few hours, but she was staring at one side, not listening to me. I couldn't leave her like that, and I didn't do it until the last moment when my parents made me leave with scandals, promising to take care of her. She was there when I was sent to the airport. She hugged me, but her face was stony. I repeated her name and "goodbye" hoping to drop something, but she just waved. When I arrived, we talked for hours on Skype, until one night I said it to myself - she is no longer the same. She had found a hobby, she was writing a novel. Months passed, and our conversations contained nothing but "How are you? How are you?". Our conversations became thinner, and from 30 minutes they happened once every two weeks. During this time I was overwhelmed by studying at the university, and after lectures, I immediately went to work and came home exhausted to the limit. After one such night last week, my phone rang. It was my parents, and after almost an hour of dodging, I was told she had died in a car accident. Uncle and she, in the front seat, were on their way to the village of Ib when a sleeping truck driver swept their car on a third-class road. Her uncle has broken legs and arms, the truck driver is only in shock, and she, in the front seat, died on the spot. I was in Bulgaria for the funeral. I managed to last no more than 15 minutes. What to do? How do I continue?