Such torments brought me to a psychologist. There I realized that jealousy and these torments and suspicions are experienced as real infidelity. That is, the jealous person experiences internal infidelity every day. Even if one day he assumes that it really happened, the jealous one will be relieved. He'll tell himself, here I knew (I'll calm down, he's not crazy). And he will rarely realize that his behavior actually caused the infidelity. Why does jealousy and torment cause your partner to really cheat? Well, because one of the biggest incentives - trust, is gone anyway. And in this sense, the jealous has little to lose. And man is "programmed" to meet people's expectations. So only complete trust evokes loyalty in the other. Think if 2 people ask you a favor. One trusts you 100% and relies on you, and the other hopes to help him, but he's not sure if you'll do his job. If you have to help only one of them, you will almost always choose the one who has already given you his trust, somehow it will be much harder for you to mislead him. Subconsciously, you will meet exactly the expectations of both. Just as your partner will meet your expectations. I will repeat it, I even wrote it on a piece of paper in my wallet. !! Trust causes fidelity, mistrust causes infidelity. There are a few more pitfalls. !! Low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence. There is a thought, I do not know who is "Jealousy is to acknowledge the superiority of the other" and it is quite so. The jealous person demonstrates with his behavior that his partner is better than himself, otherwise why will he be afraid of losing him. And, also, that people of whom jealousy is better than him, otherwise they would not be a threat. Being jealous of a particular person is like admitting that that person is more than you. Talking constantly to your partner about this person, questioning him, limiting his contacts with him is like non-stop repeating to him "she is better than me, she is preferable", sooner or later you will be able to convince your partner in that. I kicked out 2 partners with my jealousy. One told me he was tired of living with an investigating officer. The other that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He just told me, "I don't know what more I can do if you're feeling so bad, we'd better break up." When things started going that way with my current partner, I finally realized that the problem was with me. And I just wear it from relationship to relationship. The other proof of this is that in the end I never caught anyone in adultery, but I tried to believe me. I realized with the psychologist that this fear of mine was actually a fear of abandonment. Inherited from my unfaithful father and my abandoned mother. I will not delve into this, I will just say that the awareness itself immediately set me free to a great extent. So look for the source of your condition in yourself first, especially if you have shown unfounded jealousy with other partners (any jealousy is unfounded, unless you have already forgiven the infidelity of the particular person). My therapy ended with an experience of fear. The psychologist made me tell him the worst-case scenario that would happen if my husband really cheated on me, if he left me. It turned out that I have a million scenarios with scenes of infidelity and none with the consequences of it. It turned out, that no matter how much crap I made up, it wasn't the end of the world. In my script, I caught my husband in adultery, he was behind me because of the other woman, then I found them alone and unhappy, in love and happy, then they got married, had children, etc., and I was alone. So, in the end, the psychologist asked me if I would rather be a single woman or a woman who experiences infidelity every day. And I chose the woman herself. Since then I have lived like a happy naivete. Eventually one day I may experience real infidelity (as I said it is not the end of the world), it may never happen to me. But living every day in anticipation is not life. It is not love, but control. I don't want to control my husband, I want him to enjoy my company on his own. I can't demand respect, but I can win it, through self-respect, I can't demand fidelity, but I can get it with full confidence. So at least I give the person a chance to be correct. Otherwise, love me, it's okay that I'm a Cerberus who doesn't love myself. I don't trust you, that's why you have to break your d * to win it. Come on, wait for miracles of courage, proof of your love every day, dump everyone for me. Show me that I deserve it, because I don't believe I deserve it (a person with high self-esteem knows he deserves it and doesn't need proof). Several men broke their ass for me and received only control, checks and grumbling in their attempts to give me peace of mind. The house did not give me peace, the ring did not give me peace, the child did not give me peace. Nothing external helped me. No man. Awareness helped me. PS In fact, my psychologist told me that there was a man to help me realize all this. And this is the Cerberus man. She told me that if my husband and I failed to work out my trust problem and eventually ruined my marriage, the next attempt by "fate" to teach me the lesson would probably be to connect me to a person with the same problem and scored in the role of "suffocation".
1 lovebunny20201980 answered
Such torments brought me to a psychologist. There I realized that jealousy and these torments and suspicions are experienced as real infidelity. That is, the jealous person experiences internal infidelity every day. Even if one day he assumes that it really happened, the jealous one will be relieved. He'll tell himself, here I knew (I'll calm down, he's not crazy). And he will rarely realize that his behavior actually caused the infidelity. Why does jealousy and torment cause your partner to really cheat? Well, because one of the biggest incentives - trust, is gone anyway. And in this sense, the jealous has little to lose. And man is "programmed" to meet people's expectations. So only complete trust evokes loyalty in the other. Think if 2 people ask you a favor. One trusts you 100% and relies on you, and the other hopes to help him, but he's not sure if you'll do his job. If you have to help only one of them, you will almost always choose the one who has already given you his trust, somehow it will be much harder for you to mislead him. Subconsciously, you will meet exactly the expectations of both. Just as your partner will meet your expectations. I will repeat it, I even wrote it on a piece of paper in my wallet. !! Trust causes fidelity, mistrust causes infidelity. There are a few more pitfalls. !! Low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence. There is a thought, I do not know who is "Jealousy is to acknowledge the superiority of the other" and it is quite so. The jealous person demonstrates with his behavior that his partner is better than himself, otherwise why will he be afraid of losing him. And, also, that people of whom jealousy is better than him, otherwise they would not be a threat. Being jealous of a particular person is like admitting that that person is more than you. Talking constantly to your partner about this person, questioning him, limiting his contacts with him is like non-stop repeating to him "she is better than me, she is preferable", sooner or later you will be able to convince your partner in that. I kicked out 2 partners with my jealousy. One told me he was tired of living with an investigating officer. The other that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He just told me, "I don't know what more I can do if you're feeling so bad, we'd better break up." When things started going that way with my current partner, I finally realized that the problem was with me. And I just wear it from relationship to relationship. The other proof of this is that in the end I never caught anyone in adultery, but I tried to believe me. I realized with the psychologist that this fear of mine was actually a fear of abandonment. Inherited from my unfaithful father and my abandoned mother. I will not delve into this, I will just say that the awareness itself immediately set me free to a great extent. So look for the source of your condition in yourself first, especially if you have shown unfounded jealousy with other partners (any jealousy is unfounded, unless you have already forgiven the infidelity of the particular person). My therapy ended with an experience of fear. The psychologist made me tell him the worst-case scenario that would happen if my husband really cheated on me, if he left me. It turned out that I have a million scenarios with scenes of infidelity and none with the consequences of it. It turned out, that no matter how much crap I made up, it wasn't the end of the world. In my script, I caught my husband in adultery, he was behind me because of the other woman, then I found them alone and unhappy, in love and happy, then they got married, had children, etc., and I was alone. So, in the end, the psychologist asked me if I would rather be a single woman or a woman who experiences infidelity every day. And I chose the woman herself. Since then I have lived like a happy naivete. Eventually one day I may experience real infidelity (as I said it is not the end of the world), it may never happen to me. But living every day in anticipation is not life. It is not love, but control. I don't want to control my husband, I want him to enjoy my company on his own. I can't demand respect, but I can win it, through self-respect, I can't demand fidelity, but I can get it with full confidence. So at least I give the person a chance to be correct. Otherwise, love me, it's okay that I'm a Cerberus who doesn't love myself. I don't trust you, that's why you have to break your d * to win it. Come on, wait for miracles of courage, proof of your love every day, dump everyone for me. Show me that I deserve it, because I don't believe I deserve it (a person with high self-esteem knows he deserves it and doesn't need proof). Several men broke their ass for me and received only control, checks and grumbling in their attempts to give me peace of mind. The house did not give me peace, the ring did not give me peace, the child did not give me peace. Nothing external helped me. No man. Awareness helped me. PS In fact, my psychologist told me that there was a man to help me realize all this. And this is the Cerberus man. She told me that if my husband and I failed to work out my trust problem and eventually ruined my marriage, the next attempt by "fate" to teach me the lesson would probably be to connect me to a person with the same problem and scored in the role of "suffocation".