How Do I Organize My Life?

Hello! If the things I've written seem very confusing to you, it's because I'm terribly confused and I just don't know where to start. My story is terribly long, but I will try to tell you more briefly. I am a girl of 17. I live with my mother, father and brother. Maybe one of my problems is in the family, because I don't feel the word "family". I'll start with everyone's characteristics to get an idea: My mother - I consider her my best friend. I have always felt her as such, because I can get advice from her without being ashamed to ask her. Sometimes I feel her as both a father and a mother, and why, you'll find out later. She devoted herself to me and my brother because she raised us on her own (you could say) and has not had a job, despite her endless efforts, for a long time. I attribute the reason for her strange behavior lately to the fact that her mother (my grandmother) died recently and it was a huge shock for her as well as for everyone. Lately, he has started grumbling, sulking, entering my personal space sometimes and starting to behave like a small child. My father-He is very naive, even stupid sometimes and never thought bad of anyone. However, I have nothing to do with him - I feel like a roommate. He never asked me how I was, if I was okay, he just came home from work, went to bed and that was, he didn't care about our success in school. I only talk to him when we are at the table and I try to pick up a topic because he "bleats" on the TV and doesn't even reflect us.

That's how he treats everyone, not just me. I am grateful to him for not leaving us homeless, without food and water, but that is not enough. We've never been out as a family, and I'm not talking about an expensive vacation, just a walk in the park or something in the city. We are very alienated and despite my attempts, it does not work. Just parties, for some unknown reason, and when he is among people, he does not behave like that at all. My brother-He is 4 years younger than me. We both get along with him and sometimes we quarrel - normal brother-sister relations in general. I don't have much to say about him, except maybe of everyone at home, he listens to me the most, because (no matter how exaggerated it may sound), I scold him the most, unlike my father mostly, who again not interested. I-I don't want to make a living as "holy water not drunk", because I, like everyone, have flaws. I can say for myself that I am responsible, strict, I try to be fair, but on the other hand, I don't have much self-confidence because of my appearance, which I don't particularly like. I am mainly interested in learning and education, I am a good student. I don't have many social contacts, I rely only on two girlfriends, less, but real. I hope you understand to some extent what the picture is at home. With each passing day, as I grow older, I start to get very annoyed, especially with my father and my mother recently. I don't have much personal space, someone will constantly quarrel with someone, everyday problems and all this burdens me terribly. It annoys me that the money is not spent properly, you constantly hear this "We have no money", but there are always cigarettes at home (my father, I specify) and a bunch of other things. We are perfect for people, but when we are alone, it is not so at all. And maybe that's where my whole desire to just get away comes from. I want to disappear, to live alone somewhere, but I don't know-how.

I will be an adult in May, I will be graduating in 12th grade. I study in the old program and I have the right to choose 1 subject for graduation, but I have not yet chosen, I am hesitating between biology and geography. I don't even know what I will study at all after I graduate - in principle I want to be a teacher, but I no longer believe that I will succeed. I am afraid of how I will live in the future and what I will do with myself. All I want is to find a good job and live alone, to be at peace. I feel terrible, sometimes I shout and scream, but I don't want to. Give me advice, if you can, on how to find a job over time and, most of all, to move to a safe place. I am from Burgas. Happy Holidays to all! I study in the old program and I have the right to choose 1 subject for graduation, but I have not yet chosen, I am hesitating between biology and geography. I don't even know what I will study at all after I graduate - in principle I want to be a teacher, but I no longer believe that I will succeed. I am afraid of how I will live in the future and what I will do with myself. All I want is to find a good job and live alone, to be at peace. I feel terrible, sometimes I shout and scream, but I don't want to. Give me advice, if you can, on how to find a job over time and, most of all, to move to a safe place. I am from Burgas. Happy Holidays to all! I study in the old program and I have the right to choose 1 subject for graduation, but I have not yet chosen, I am hesitating between biology and geography. I don't even know what I will study at all after I graduate - in principle I want to be a teacher, but I no longer believe that I will succeed. I am afraid of how I will live in the future and what I will do with myself. All I want is to find a good job and live alone, to be at peace. I feel terrible, sometimes I shout and scream, but I don't want to. Give me advice, if you can, on how to find a job over time and, most of all, to move to a safe place. I am from Burgas.

Happy Holidays to all! that I will succeed. I am afraid of how I will live in the future and what I will do with myself. All I want is to find a good job and live alone, to be at peace. I feel terrible, sometimes I shout and scream, but I don't want to. Give me advice, if you can, on how to find a job over time and, most of all, to move to a safe place. I am from Burgas. Happy Holidays to all! that I will succeed. I am afraid of how I will live in the future and what I will do with myself. All I want is to find a good job and live alone, to be at peace. I feel terrible, sometimes I shout and scream, but I don't want to. Give me advice, if you can, on how to find a job over time and, most of all, to move to a safe place. I am from Burgas. Happy Holidays to all!