I always said I would never cheat. And I really believed it. I did it twice in just a few months. The first time - an old love, unshared in the past. I loved him more than anything in the world. By the time he dies, I'll probably have at least a spark to him. He was my best friend. But he did not feel the same. He knew my feelings, but he couldn't answer them. It was the biggest and awful 'What if? 'in my life, heavier even than the child lost in my womb. I met my husband, whom I really love today. This friend and I moved away. And years later, quite a bit, we started talking again as before, although only on the computer because of the distance, to read our thoughts. But it was different. Although many miles away, I could feel it. And at one point we both decided, and one day we each traveled hundreds of miles just to see each other. I admit that I left with the setting that I would sleep with him, and I would not just have sex, but make love. When we met it was the same as years ago, and nothing like then. This time he wanted me. And she gave me everything I had missed with my husband for years - understanding, support, to feel wanted. I kissed him. And it was wonderful. I knew I could have what I had dreamed of for years. I knew that I could make love to him, that he was ready to accept me with all my luggage and the child, and that he would love my son as his own child. I knew that I could be insanely happy with him and that he would love me the way I am, and unconditionally.
But I didn't. Because I remembered my husband's eyes, the moment he told me I was the woman for him. And I realized that even though he hasn't looked at me warmly for years, to tell me that he hasn't loved me for a long time, to hurt me, not to be happy, I prefer the bad with him to the good with anyone else. I turned my back on the man I had loved for so many years. We stayed with this perfect kiss, better than in my dreams. I left and confessed everything to my husband. From to. And as if this is for a little better things between us. But for too short. Then again he walked away from me, again he started accusing and hurting me, again in 9 out of 10 cases when I wanted intimacy he repelled me as if I were a leper. At times I wanted to share it with my friend, but after what happened between us, we both knew that even our friendship was over. It's been a while. I longed for my husband every day, he stood by me and seemed to be gone. I was suffering and he didn't care. I wanted him, and he showed me how unwanted I was, at least in most cases.
On rare occasions, we made love, I always told him I loved him every time, but he never responded. And every time it broke my heart again. I saw friends one day, we gathered at the home of one of them. We drank more than necessary, even more. Finally, I stayed last, we sat on the couch with the host and started talking about whatnot. We stared at the TV. At one point, he pulled me close. And I felt that he wanted me. I was drunk, but I don't think that's really an excuse. I didn't really mean it. I just felt - I felt wanted, I felt like a woman. When I felt his reactions, I felt pleasure and amazement that I had caused it. It was a surprise to me at this point that a man might find me attractive, that he may want me. I felt a certain pride, maybe complacency. But most of all, I felt that thrill of being wanted that made you feel like a woman. Just a woman - not a professional, not a mother, not a wife, but just a full-blooded woman. And I gave up. We had sex. Twice. No gentle touches, no kisses. Just sex. And we behaved the other time as if we had done nothing. And somehow I didn't feel wrong. I came home, still drunk. My husband was pouring himself a drink in front of the TV.
I drank a glass of wine and knelt before him. I didn't feel guilty. But I knew I needed to experience something with him. And I tried to seduce him. And he rejected me again. But I did not give up. I had to, I just had to be close to him, to be one with him. Because he is my husband. Because even though it often makes me not know why, I still love it. I finally managed to seduce him. I managed to make him moan and not know what world he was in. And I told him again that I love him, that I am his and he is mine. But he did not answer again. He turned his back on me, and when I woke up in the morning he wasn't even in bed next to me - after I fell asleep he went to finish his drink and slept in the other room. After waking up, I expected cruel guilt, disgust from myself. But I didn't test them. I don't experience them now. I want my husband. But I also want to feel like a woman. I want passion, I want to feel wanted. I want the things I miss. For years I lived with the shortcomings. But with each new white hair and each new wrinkle, I realize that I don't want to do it anymore. I lived my best years, living entirely for others. I was exemplary in my work, a devoted mother, a resourceful friend. I was a wife content with crumbs, while he did his best and it was still not enough. Today I realize that it will never be enough, not for my husband.
I realize I still love him. I realize that even though he doesn't love me, he has a connection to me. Today, I have already accepted that I will receive only this and I will never receive his love again, it has been lost forever for years. Love it. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really love it. His laughter is still the most melodic in the whole world, still one of his smiles cuts my legs, I will still fight with the whole world if I have to for him. Still, in the rare moments when he hugs me, his hands are what I call home. But I know I need things he will never give me again. And now, at this stage of my life, I refuse to deprive myself of a chance to be happy, of a chance to experience good emotions, from getting everything (or almost) I need. That is why I no longer promise myself that I will not cheat. Because if I feel like I want to do it, I won't give up. I already promise myself, I struggled to feel good and happy. Like I haven't been in years. And it was at the cost of morality. I do not claim to be a good person. On the contrary. And I know what I'm doing is wrong. But for the first time in eternity, I feel at peace with myself.
1 dicktracy90 answered
Just try not to catch a disease. In this jumping from man to man, you hardly have sex with a condom, although he always helps us.