Feudalism In The Family

   I first obeyed their demands, then I rebelled, and finally I realized that whichever I did turned like a hamster on a wheel and I always got to the same situation - they were never happy with me and that weighed on me. Now I go to a psychologist on the subject and for the first time in my life I feel satisfied with myself and in peace. It was only now, at the age of 30, that I began to realize that their criteria for a successful person were not mine, and that their satisfaction would not make me happy. I am not angry with them, I accept that they were the best they were capable of at the moment, I accept them as they are, I accept their right to demands and expectations of me, but at the same time I am released from the obligation to live according to them . If they are not happy with my version of happiness and success, this is their problem. If they prefer me to give my money for real estate instead of travel, this is their problem. It's idiotic for my father to spend some money in Sri Lanka instead of changing his car, and it's idiotic for me to change my car instead of buying a new experience, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying his happiness with the new car and to tell him it's great, congratulations, I'm glad for you. If he can't be happy that I'm happy, bad for him, but that's not my problem.

   At the age of 21 we managed to move out, work and support ourselves. When you work, you pay for your accommodation and support yourself, you become a FEUDAL to yourself and no one tells you what to do and you don't owe anyone. If you are going to have children, you baptize them as you wish, when you do not expect help from your parents in raising and shopping for them. If you hire yourself to handle everything, no one can tell you what to do, you can change your name, but if you wait on his roof and on his refrigerator you have to follow his rules, to be a "serf" peasant ". Your father is right to be a "feudal lord" in his own home, and that your mother allows him to be her boss is her job, not yours. Isn't it nice to have a feudal father,

   My family is the same, with the difference that I am a woman and older than you. However, all my life I will do whatever my father decides, I will go on vacation where my father decides, everything my father decides, and my mother and sister and I ... formally we seem to have an opinion, but in the end it always happens whatever my father decided, even for personal things like appearance. For example, I always wanted earrings, but my father wouldn't let me pierce my ears because it was "barbaric"! I was scared only at 16 and then I took the quarrel with us. And it's such a small thing, and imagine what happened when we didn't want to learn what he wanted. At university, it was really scary because I recorded the same thing my father had been doing for years. And he remembered that a term paper did not leave me to write alone. He kept checking and correcting her before I handed her over. Well, at least up to 3rd year. In the 3rd year I felt it and I just didn't tell him that I had a term paper, but I wrote it secretly from him. I just wanted to be appreciated at least once, not my father! How did I get out? Well, when I became completely independent. In the beginning, when I started working, my salary was so low that my father had to give me money, and when I got married we lived in an apartment bought by my family, ie my father still had a say in everything. However, at one point I got tired and now I prefer to die of hunger, but I will never take a single lev from it again. Yes, I have had difficult times when I literally wondered how I would raise money to eat, but I am proud to be able to do it myself. I moved out of the apartment, I live on rent with my boyfriend (my marriage fell apart due to my father's eternal intervention) and I am proud of myself. Yes, it is difficult, but for the first time in my life I breathe freely, because I know that I and only I manage my life!

   My "boy", at 21 you are no longer a child ... What you feel is that you have to build your own life, not your father is the problem.

   The only salvation is to move out, I say from experience. After you leave their home, there will be a period of time in which they will often look for you and eventually stop. Only children believe that parents are superheroes, when you grow up you see the truth. Mine didn't treat us cool because of their deficits and complexes. We were often told that we were clumsy, crazy, we did shitty things, we didn't make money and who the child was. Just while I was studying, I had a job to cover my expenses and I could buy some food at home and they ran out and I couldn't afford to live in a dormitory. After I graduated, a job came out for my specialist in a smaller town, I'm from Sofia and our people were very angry. I was told that I had studied for 6 years, I had graduated and I could urgently go to live in the village. And whatever else you can think of just doesn't tell me ... What worries me from the point of view of time is not what you write about, but the social relationships that I had wrongly modeled. For a long time after that, I couldn't really get into my role-playing behavior. I will not forget when my friend gave me something and I said that I did not like it, so at home the logic of ours was that if you need something you buy at the first opportunity and do not make gifts for the holidays. For RD they made me a cake and our people gathered with their friends, I got the privilege to blow out the candles in front of known and unknown already quite drunk adults. when my friend gave me something and I said I didn't like it, so at home the logic of ours was that if you need something you buy it as soon as possible and don't make gifts for the holidays. For RD they made me a cake and our people gathered with their friends, I got the privilege to blow out the candles in front of known and unknown already quite drunk adults. when my friend gave me something and I said I didn't like it, so at home the logic of ours was that if you need something you buy it at the first opportunity and don't make gifts for the holidays. For RD they made me a cake and our people gathered with their friends, I got the privilege to blow out the candles in front of known and unknown already quite drunk adults.

   Yes, we have encountered. The problem is finally solved when you move out of the house and become financially independent. Everything else is mutual walking on nerves. Your father can't understand you and at his age he has yet to change his views and behavior.

   My dear "dad" is the biggest bastard I've ever seen. I'm serious. I solved my problem by leaving, but only partially. The wounds this freak has inflicted on me will never heal. Get away from your parents too. The sooner the better. F, 22

   M-57 Few can say with all their heart that they grew up in a "perfect" family. For example, to this day I regret that I did not have a closer relationship with my father. Extremely intelligent but introverted. He could sit for hours at the table in "his place," smoking and staring at one point. As a young man, I hated the rare moments when he called me "Come and tell me what happens if you do this ..." - because he was 100% right ... about everything, I hated that he took away my ability to learn from mistakes. Today I think about how many more mistakes (some of which delayed my development) I would save if we were closer. Try to take advantage of these otherwise toxic (in your opinion) relationships. Very soon you will be independent and you will have to make independent decisions [how to act, react, etc. I find myself often wondering, "What would Dad do?" In your case, it would be "How to avoid what he was doing." At 21, don't waste time analyzing the relationships in your family. You can't change your parents! Rather, think about how to become independent and live a full life.

   Yes, we faced each other and even had to break off contact - they behaved in the same way with their 30-year-old "child", who lived apart from them anyway and was financially independent. These are toxic parents who they consider a thing that has no right to personal opinion, feelings and desires. When you try to separate from them, they will start with the manipulations with a sense of guilt and duty, how much they have done for you, how you owe them now, how they do it for good, you are so ungrateful ...

   So familiar, we really live in a relatively different time, and there is still so much left of the past. place, and the woman somewhere supposedly for support, but in fact support for his work and doer of everything, she is still to blame, This is so unbearable for the name of the child, I hated him all the scandals about this name ...... In my opinion I am, if a person deserves to be baptized, but hardly the name should be chosen by both parents regardless of the opinion of the elders

   10 Please explain in what should the merits be expressed? How did anyone deserve it, is baptism a reward?

   At 21 they were not children. They are exactly children. Even at 31, some are still children. Exactly for this reason. The main sign of being an adult is independence. So what independence does the author have? This is exactly what he complains about ... The bad thing is that because he does not live his own life, but that of his parents. His children will live his ... and so the vicious circle revolves. Then you wonder why from generation to generation humanity is declining.

   I was deleted, but I will ask again - what does feudalism have in common here !?