Fear Of Commitment

The Story

I'm confused, I have so many questions. I'm 20. Since I started dating guys... it just didn't work out for me. Actually, I don't know if it's been a long way, and I guess I just wasn't ready for a relationship. I loved flirting and having casual relationships, and for me, it was the only kind of contact with men. There was nothing serious. And now I'm really convinced it wasn't his time back then. In fact, the thrill of having a casual relationship went away by the day. I started to feel strange and unfamiliar to me. I stopped leading a nightlife, shut myself down, started to shame me because my family is a reader and they would be disappointed and they don't deserve a daughter who behaves like a light woman. I was a very strange man. My daily routine and my daily "packaging" did not match me, or at least not to the one I was during the day. As a result, I didn't have any friends. I had some we dated over the weekend to drink, but that was our only common interest. About a year I needed to realize that getting drunk and partying is a very good thing, flirting too, but promiscuous sex and trying to be emotionally apathetic to men.. it drove me into a deep depression. I wasn't getting out of bed, and going to lectures and work was a torture for me. My days were going grey and soulless, and my communication with people brought it to a minimum. I was just communicating with a colleague and her boyfriend, but she broke up with him, she signed up from university, and he's from a different place, and we didn't meet him, but we had a social thing. Networks. One day he wrote to me, said he'd love to see you, and he hopes we can renew our acquaintance. So he and I started dating and became inseparable. To the extent that we used to spend hours together without stopping talking. He made my days a little more colorful, a little more fun. I started going to work and lectures again with the same desire as before. One night we were at home and we were commenting on something heated. And looking at him, I began to reflect - his tactical expressions, his smile, and I began to notice the peace he was giving me. Over time, our acquaintance evolved into a friendship and eventually into a relationship. I'm not used to someone being serious about me and wanting to be with me and saying they love me, but this guy with his actions is showing that. He wants us to live together, and I'm so insecure about myself. I keep thinking that when he confronts my flaws, he's going to dump me, so I tell myself that I don't have to get used to it and that everything is temporary. I'm afraid of commitment, but at the same time I feel comfortable and at the same time with this person, and I think I'm starting to develop a sense of love. Did anyone feel the same way I did? And why is it so hard to trust someone? And the other thing that worries me is that he's always been in serious relationships, and I'm the opposite. What if I'm one of the women who's not in a relationship... I really want to be with this guy, but I'm going to get attached to him, and when he leaves me, I'm going to suffer.

Last Updated
June 06, 2020
Author:
kpetra

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