Fear-My Story

- You're scared, aren't you? You are afraid of falling in love, a fear that stiffens your heart ... A fear that you have to fight every day, but you have not resigned yourself. Why? -Why? Sit down, sit comfortably ... I'm not afraid to fall in love ... I'm afraid that even if you give everything to one person, he will always want more! You alone will never be enough for him! So it is in life! I am afraid of excessive perfectionism and people's pretensions. I am afraid of injuries, of all the pain I have experienced. I am afraid of the fact that I have never been, I will not be number one. People say that there must be at least one main character in every movie, and everything else is minor roles and extras. I'm afraid that in my film I'm not the main actor, I'm not even the supporting role. I'm afraid of rejection, I'm afraid of fear itself, of the fact that I will never be good enough no matter what I do. I'm afraid that there will always be a voice telling me "NOTHING IS COMING FROM YOU", "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY", "WHERE DID YOU GO AT ALL".

I am afraid of my indecision caused by the years of suffering I have experienced. You ask me if I'm afraid of love? I can't be afraid, since I've never felt it. No one allowed me to love him with all my heart. No one has ever given me that opportunity. I am sitting in the corner alone, hunched over in pain, not physical but the most terrible pain - mental. And I'm not afraid of loneliness - she is my closest friend. We've been living hand in hand for so many years - I beg her to leave, and when I do, she hugs me even tighter and whispers an ominous "I'm not going anywhere." Maybe I'm really not destined to be happy. When I say it out loud, people laugh at me, make fun of me and try to convince me that I am young and I do not need such experiences, such relationships. However, the years go by, today you are twenty, tomorrow you are thirty, another day you are fifty. It's also known that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, doesn't it? However, some wounds never heal. Memories, failures, signs of the times. And suddenly it turns out that it's all over. You look back, you see everyone around you, with whom you once had a wonderful time, turning their backs on you and saying "But I have plans with my fiancée, my girlfriend, my wife." You smile, understand them and withdraw. Your former friends, whom you saw every day, are starting to disappear little by little. Once you realize you're alone, you shut yourself in, you start to hate. The hatred grows with each passing day, perhaps because of envy, or because your only friend for the moment - loneliness has already wrapped its horrible black tentacles around your neck so tightly that you can no longer even catch your breath. When you try to seek help, no one cares, everyone tells you things like "Tighten up," "Stop filming," "Come on, please don't bother me with your nonsense." People you helped with a smile until yesterday don't even want to listen to you anymore, as if something is required of them.

At the worst hour, however, something finally happens. "SHE" appears out of nowhere. You are already thinking "THIS WAS THE END !! LONELINESS, THIS WAS YOUR LAST HOUR WITH ME, LOVE YOURSELF AND NEVER RETURN AGAIN !!!" Everything is going according to plan, everything is like people. Different scenarios are spinning in your mind. Hatred disappears. Somehow happiness returns. You are ready for anything, you are in a hurry because you have been so lonely all your life that you are no longer sure if a second such opportunity will arise at all, without suspecting that this situation you are currently experiencing was not an opportunity at all, but just a mockery of fate. At some point, the relationship and contact in question with "HER" ends and guess who enters your life without even knocking on the door - your eternal friend "Loneliness". In the arms of your so faithful companion you look around, everyone else is fine, everyone else is happy. You look to heaven and now you doubt even your faith. Your self-esteem has been hit so many times that you don't even know if it's there anymore. For people - of course everything is fine. Smiles, Happiness, Laughter! You show your loved ones your true emotions, which are the exact opposite, but they are already so fed up with these "movies" of yours that they don't even want to listen to you anymore, and you are not even talked to. You put barriers in front of you that get stronger and stronger every day.

You become a difficult person to communicate with, unpleasant even. It's getting harder and harder every day. You have no one to share with anymore, because no one is listened to. And no one owes you. What about the fact that you once helped him in the same situation, what about the fact that you were the shoulder on which he or she cried? Good gestures, of course, are remembered for a short time, if at all. The only thing left for you to do is sit in the dark, in the corner, in the embrace of loneliness and to fight with all your might not to go mad. Disappointment with others is a berry compared to self-disappointment. There comes a time when everyone turns their backs on you when you need them most. Once upon a time, in electronic games, when you lost, a screen appeared with the words "YOU LOSE!" And under it always said "Are you continuing?". So many times in so many different situations these words have come to my attention that I no longer know whether to press the bottom button. We always say that being alive and healthy is the most important thing, and the other will come. I no longer think happiness will come. I think I've been hurt so many times that even if he knocks on the door, I won't open it for him. I'm sorry, happiness ... You're obviously not for me! compared to self-disappointment. There comes a time when everyone turns their backs on you when you need them most. Once upon a time, in electronic games, when you lost, a screen appeared with the words "YOU LOSE!" And under it always said "Are you continuing?". So many times in so many different situations these words have come to my attention that I no longer know whether to press the bottom button. We always say that being alive and healthy is the most important thing, and the other will come. I no longer think happiness will come. I think I've been hurt so many times that even if he knocks on the door, I won't open it for him. I'm sorry, happiness ... You're obviously not for me! compared to self-disappointment. There comes a time when everyone turns their backs on you when you need them most.

Once upon a time, in electronic games, when you lost, a screen appeared with the words "YOU LOSE!" And under it always said "Are you continuing?". So many times in so many different situations these words have come to my attention that I no longer know whether to press the bottom button. We always say that being alive and healthy is the most important thing, and the other will come. I no longer think happiness will come. I think I've been hurt so many times that even if he knocks on the door, I won't open it for him. I'm sorry, happiness ... You're obviously not for me! and under that it always said "Are you continuing?". So many times in so many different situations these words have come to my attention that I no longer know whether to press the bottom button. We always say that being alive and healthy is the most important thing, and the other will come. I no longer think happiness will come. I think I've been hurt so many times that even if he knocks on the door, I won't open it for him. I'm sorry, happiness ... You're obviously not for me! and under that it always said "Are you continuing?". So many times in so many different situations these words have come to my attention that I no longer know whether to press the bottom button. We always say that being alive and healthy is the most important thing, and the other will come. I no longer think happiness will come. I think I've been hurt so many times that even if he knocks on the door, I won't open it for him. I'm sorry, happiness ... You're obviously not for me!