Fear

Hello. I'm a 20-year-old girl. I am an extremely difficult character. And I'm VERY, really VERY distrustful. From friends, men ... I have witnessed infidelity since I was a child. My father constantly cheated on my mother, beat her, harassed her. It was an extremely difficult moment in my life, and sometimes I regret that this man happened to be my father, but what happened happened. So ... A year or so ago I had a relationship that lasted 2 years and ended very badly. When we were together I was subjected to constant mental harassment, he attacked me, lied to me and finally cheated on me. It didn't hurt much when I found out about it, because I had already experienced all the pain during the relationship itself, and plus I always expected it and it didn't come to me like thunder from a clear sky. I loved this boy very much, I gave everything and I did everything he wanted, I forgave everything, I endured absolutely everything, even though I collapsed internally. Another thing about this relationship is that he didn't pay attention to me at all, he wrote to me once a week and when we were together he only used me for sex, I was blind and in love, of course I didn't see that. He never asked me how I was, how I felt. He didn't make nice gestures to me and no, I'm not talking about gifts, but something simple, like sending me home, giving me his jacket, hahaha, for God's sake, so he didn't even hold my hand when we went out to get married. we walk (well, there may have been such moments, but they were rare). : D

I don't want to explain anymore what was and what wasn't, I just didn't believe that everything I saw from the men I expected so much and loved could leave me such a trauma. :) I'm currently in a relationship with a golden man. This is the best soul I've ever met. For me, it is more than a dream man. Like any relationship, there are quarrels and problems from time to time, so are we, but the more specific thing here is that most of the time it all starts because of me. Every time he's not with me, when he's with friends, when he tells me he's going somewhere, I start screaming, sometimes I even cry for hours because I think he's going to cheat on me and betray me. that I do not trust him - on the contrary. Of all the people in the world, I trust him the most. It's just that this feeling and this fear that he will betray my trust has taken over me to such an extent that even at times I can't stand it. I don't know what to do, do you understand that this thing has overtaken me and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to lose this person in my life and burden and hurt him. As much as he loves me, he doesn't have to put up with me. I ask for your opinions .. Thank you very much!